Why is divorce such an evil? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.
So Saturday, I had to break a lot of silence. There was something I had to say publicly that I never wanted to say. It really wasn’t because of my shame, though it is shameful, but because I was trying to protect Allie’s reputation. I did not want anyone speaking ill of her or mistreating her. I realize if you don’t really know me, you have no reason to believe me over her, but I hope you would be willing to hear both sides and ask good questions, but here goes.
Technically, I am now a divorced man.
It hurts to write that sentence.
Allie has claimed that I have abused her. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to hear who thinks otherwise, you can talk to her parents, her brother, the priest we saw together at the Orthodox Church Allie was visiting, a Catholic priest we both talked to on the phone regularly, the therapist we were both seeing, or any friend or family member who saw us both together regularly and some who would come to our place to see us.
I also have such a super-sensitive conscience that I would not bear the thought of hurting Allie. In my mind on the spectrum, I follow tightly a list of mental rules. I do not want to break those rules and one such rule is when you marry someone, you love them unconditionally. If you asked me if I still love Allie today, I would say absolutely. That does not mean I want to be with her now, but I do genuinely want the best for her and pray for her regularly.
However, this is the most painful experience I have gone through. I have gone through major back surgery and through a time in high school where I had a suicidal depression with regular panic attacks. The only thing that has cemented me so much now is all the studies I have done on the truth of Christianity.
By the way, with that last point, I want to make a request. I know that I have friends who are atheists and agnostics and people of other religions who read my blog. Please in comments or Facebook discussion, do not make this about the truth of Christianity. I am happy to debate that at other times, but this is about something else.
Going through this has shown me what an evil divorce is. I am not saying that divorce should never happen. Sometimes, I think it is necessary. I think a woman actually being abused by an unrepentant husband should divorce. Why is that an evil? The woman is not doing anything evil, but an evil takes place in that someone broke their vow before God and man to love and cherish and be exclusive. Divorce is not just an action against another human being. It is an action against God.
It is the person who is doing the action that requires the divorce who is doing the evil. If a woman is being really abused and files for divorce, she is not doing an evil. If a man has a wife who cheats on him and he files for divorce, he is not doing an evil. The evil has already been done. The person is in this case protecting themselves. The tragedy is that someone did break that promise that they made and chose to not really act in love.
So what is it going on on my end? Well, I have had to move back in with my parents. I love my parents, but no man who is about to turn 41 (On the 19th of this month) wants to live with his parents. I really want to be on my own again in an apartment. I am working a full-time job at Wal-Mart as the only one I can find now and trying to earn up all that I can and move up the company ladder as much as I can. I would love a full-time ministry job, but it’s not there yet.
I have a good friend who has been divorced and is now remarried and he told me to get into DivorceCare as soon as I got back. I have been doing that. I have a great group and our leader is very supportive of me. We did have a major rift of trust at one point and I did confront him on that and he realized how I was seeing things on the spectrum and we have improved greatly to have a relationship where I call him now with areas I am struggling with.
It’s a real struggle with rejection. If you asked my mother, she would tell you that all my life, what I have wanted so much is to have a woman in my life. My first crush was long before I hit puberty. All through elementary school, I had a great crush on the same girl.
Now I get rejected and it is tempting to wonder what was wrong with me that I was rejected. I don’t want to say everything going on yet, but I am convinced that it was not a deficiency in me in that major area, at least nothing worthy of a divorce. I’m not going to claim I was a perfect spouse. No one is. I will tell you that I strived to be the best that I could be and that was even when it was hard for me as numerous people told me many times I could legitimately file for divorce and I always refused. I never wanted to be a person who rejected Allie.
To go back now to the whole thing about where I am living and my work, this is one reason if you follow my Facebook you have seen me making appeals about my Patreon, the swag store to buy materials on the virgin birth, which I do affirm, and about my YouTube channel. I have to advertise myself and honestly, I hate it. I wish I didn’t think I had to do that, but I do. I will tell you also that I’m looking for someone who can be a YouTube editor to spice up my videos and in the future if I get to that place of independence, I would hope it would become something I could pay for. If you are interested, please let me know.
I have also tried to avoid acting spitefully towards Allie. I do say things in private conversations to people that I trust where I think Allie has done very wrong things, but they would also tell you in those conversations, I am clear that I want the best for her. Check my Facebook for the past several months when all of this was going on and I said nothing.
Why did I come out? Because last Saturday we thought she was in danger and I knew part of explaining that would sadly be sharing about the divorce. I did not want to do that. I will not be talking about that now though. Just please pray for her. She is in God’s hands either way.
While I have been doing a series on eschatology however, I do plan on doing a series on divorce now to to share what it is like, especially as I am going through it while the emotions are still fresh. I will talk about learning to rebuild my life and about also how yes, I am planning on remarrying someday.
The best thing I would tell you to do is honestly pray for Allie. I have had some of you come to me who have known and said you have to unfriend or ask if you can. If you think you need to, I will not stop you. That is your choice and I bear nothing against you.
For my friends who are happily married now, I hope to be where you are again someday soon. Please do enjoy it and take the time to cherish one another. You have a gift.
I appreciate prayers for me also in all of this and any concern that has been shown. Again, I never wanted to say this. I always strived to be the best husband I can be. As a gamer mindset, whenever I do something, I want to do the best at it and having a wife, I wanted to be the best I could be and love my wife with all that I had. Today, I have no hatred towards her and in all of this, I have tried to act without animosity and trust in God.
I also ask prayers for her family, her parents and brother. They are going through a hard time as well. I was told when they went to her neighborhood Saturday, they were looking around frantically doing anything they could to try to find her. Mothers out there I am sure can especially relate. If your baby was lost and you didn’t know where she was, no matter how old she is, you are going to be concerned.
A divorce series is one I never wanted to write, but now I will have to. I hope seriously it will be a service to someone else going through a divorce and hopefully even better, could stop some divorces and encourage people to work on their own marriages. I have nothing against marriage.
If anything, I am also trying to live my life by this dictum. The best revenge is a life well-lived. I do not want to be a victim. I want to go out and enjoy my life and that includes marriage again. I try to remember happiness is a choice and I am making it my resolve to succeed all the more. I don’t want my life to be a waste.
This experience will not be one also. I sincerely want to help others who are doing the same. My friend who is helping me was helped by someone else who had been there through his divorce, and hopefully, I will someday be helping someone else. Maybe I already am by this blog.
Thanks, everyone for your concern. Please do remember to pray for Allie. Also, I hate to say it as I said earlier, but if you do want to join me on the journey, you can subscribe to Deeper Waters Apologetics on YouTube and support through Patreon. I really hate doing that, but it is the hand that I have to deal with now.
(And I affirm the virgin birth)