Tag: marriage

The Danger of Tolerance

Is it ever wrong to be tolerant? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

A lot of Christians yesterday, including some in leadership, had the equals sign as an avatar of Facebook saying they wanted equality in marriage. I would like to have seen how they would have been responded to being told the standards of who one can marry is already the same for everyone, but I fear there is more heat than light on this issue and more are thinking with emotions than reasoning. This is especially so since politicians like Portman and McCaskill have given reasons that are largely emotional for a change of mind.

One aspect of this is the idea of tolerance. Christians want to be good people. I get that. We think it is good to be tolerant. Therefore, we decide we should be tolerant. We get the command that Jesus told us that we are not to judge and therefore it comes to “Who am I to judge someone else? Let God do that. I will be tolerant. That’s what Jesus would have me do.”

Keep in mind, Jesus made several judgments and he was hardly tolerant of the false teachings of those around Him. When we look at the epistles, it’s the same way. They hardly would have been written if the apostles had been practicing tolerance.

Of course, this is with the modern view of tolerance. The modern view is more along the lines of having to accept everything. One cannot say that another person is wrong in their position. All views are to be seen as equal and no view is any better than another.

Such a position will lead to numerous contradictions. For instance, if no view is better than another and all views are equal, what about the view that all views are not equal and some views are better than others? Is that to be treated the same way? If an exception is not made, then the principle is violating itself.

So am I saying Christians should be intolerant? No. I’m saying we should practice classical tolerance. In classical tolerance, you allow some wrong views to be held on matters of serious discussion. You still say the view is wrong, but you allow the person the freedom to hold that view.

This shows up in the NT. What about meat offered to idols? What about whether one should have wine? What about if any days are sacred? 1 Cor. 8-10 and Romans 14 are classic texts about this. If someone wants to do something like this, then let them, but the only problem Paul had was when one person started assuming they were more spiritual or better than another.

Note also that Paul also said some behaviors were clearly wrong. You do not tolerate lying or adultery or stealing. Interestingly, in 1 Cor. 6, homosexual behavior is included in this. Note especially that this is talking about the household of God. What about those outside? They are not held to Christian standards, though their behavior is still wrong.

In our country, we are allowed basic freedoms. For instance, the freedom of religion. The government is not to favor one religion over another. Hence, I will oppose Islam, but I defend their right to build mosques here and worship as they see fit, provided they obey the laws of the land in doing so.

Why oppose the change in marriage? Because this does affect everyone, particularly the least of these, the children. If you think that children have a right to have a relationship with their natural mother and father, then you have all the reason you need to keep marriage as it is.

Note also the other great danger of tolerance. It’s a one-way street. You can be sure that when the other side is in power and you want to practice your Christianity that says homosexual behavior is a sin, they won’t be so tolerant. You will be called to task. How do I know this? Because it’s happening already. Tolerance is not being practiced for those who disagree. Those who seek to celebrate diversity don’t seek to celebrate those who disagree with them.

Christians. Practice true tolerance, but don’t practice the modern notion. The church never prospers when it backs down on its Christian principles.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

McCaskill’s Stance On Marriage

Does 1 Corinthians 13 mean what McCaskill thinks it means? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Recently, Senator McCaskill of Missouri came out in support of redefining marriage. Her entry on the topic on Tumblr can be found here. I’d like to look at her entry today and ask the question of it if it works or not.

At the start, the passage is about 1 Cor. 13. I have an interest in this having done a sermon on it that can be found here. In looking at this entry of McCaskill, I find no attempt whatsoever to engage with the text and see what Paul meant. The impression I am getting is as if a bone has been tossed out to those who are religious with an implication that our own Scriptures teach this, but there is no argument for it.

“The question of marriage equality is a great American debate. ”

But what is the question? Is the question “Do we want to treat people unequally?” I do not think people are advocating that. If two things are equal, we should treat them equally. We support equality, but not all claimants are equal. We don’t allow children to marry, for instance. We don’t allow polygamists to marry. This is not a slippery slope argument. What we are saying is that if you want marriage to be redefined, it needs to be done in such a way to allow the group you want and exclude the ones you don’t. I have not seen this done yet.

“Many people, some with strong religious faith, believe that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman. Other people, many of whom also have strong religious faith, believe that our country should not limit the commitment of marriage to some, but rather all Americans, gay and straight should be allowed to fully participate in the most basic of family values. ”

The loaded language is great at this point. The religious people who believe in traditional marriage are the ones who just want to exclude. Fortunately, there are some who are also of strong religious faith who are “open” and think that we “should not limit” but favor “all Americans” and want them to “fully participate in the most basic of family values.”

It never seems to occur to McCaskill that family values are a reason for opposing redefining marriage. To redefine marriage is to redefine the family. It is also not the value of honoring marriage for the sake of marriage. It is about the purpose of marriage. Can the ultimate purpose of marriage be achieved in the new union even if not everyone participates in it?

“I have come to the conclusion that our government should not limit the right to marry based on who you love.”

The problem here is that we in America do marry based on who we love, but all over the world, this is not why people marry. Arranged marriages are still quite common. It is just that it happens that the person we love often fits into the overall scheme of what marriage is. Being in love with someone is not a reason why the government should allow you to marry. If I love a small child, I cannot marry them. If I love my sister, I cannot marry them. If I love two women, I cannot marry them. The government looks at those and says “We don’t care if you love them. It’s not marriage.”

“While churches should never be required to conduct marriages outside of their religious beliefs, neither should the government tell people who they have a right to marry. ”

With the first part, we may not have to conduct marriages, but will we have to recognize them? For instance, even if you disagree, my Scriptures teach me that participating in homosexual behavior is sin and to have that as a lifestyle is to be “living in sin.” Of course, we all have sins we struggle with, but in those cases, we are to be seeking to free ourselves from them.

So when a homosexual couple comes to the church, do I have to grant them church membership? Do I have to accept them for baptism? Do I have to grant them Communion? When we have photos of church members, do I have to treat them as a couple? These are hard questions.

Of course, they are welcome to attend, but the church by and large is to expect holiness from its members and living a lifestyle that goes against what we believe in is not holy. Could I have a case brought against me then for discrimination just because I am living my religion?

The second part of McCaskill’s saying leads to the suicide approach. If the government should not tell who we have a right to marry, then I suspect McCaskill should be against this going to the Supreme Court. Why should the government recognize a marriage if it can’t have any standards on marriage? Why should it be something we vote on if government is not to tell who we can marry? McCaskill can’t have it both ways.

“My views on this subject have changed over time, but as many of my gay and lesbian friends, colleagues and staff embrace long term committed relationships, I find myself unable to look them in the eye without honestly confronting this uncomfortable inequality. Supporting marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples is simply the right thing to do for our country, a country founded on the principals of liberty and equality.”

This sounds persuasive to several people, but to see if the argument works, you just have to put in another group instead.

“My views on this subject have changed over time, but as many of my incestuous friends, colleagues and staff embrace long term committed relationships, I find myself unable to look them in the eye without honestly confronting this uncomfortable inequality. Supporting marriage equality for incestuous couples is simply the right thing to do for our country, a country founded on the principals of liberty and equality.”

or

“My views on this subject have changed over time, but as many of my polygamous friends, colleagues and staff embrace long term committed relationships, I find myself unable to look them in the eye without honestly confronting this uncomfortable inequality. Supporting marriage equality for polygamous families is simply the right thing to do for our country, a country founded on the principals of liberty and equality.”

The bottom line in this is it looks like McCaskill has emotional issues when confronting others so to avoid her discomfort, the law of the land needs to be changed. The law of the land frankly should not care about her discomfort or mine. It should care about what is good and right and true.

McCaskill does not give a rational argument here. She gives an emotional one. An appeal to emotions is not always wrong, but it is when it is done without an argument to back it. McCaskill does not give any new evidences to support her position. She does not interact with those who disagree with her. She does not state anything about the purpose of marriage, or the raising of children.

That last point is important. We are making marriage about the people getting married. The people getting married have reason to celebrate, but the institution does not exist just to make people happy and feel good about themselves. Several other things can do that. Marriage does often and should do those things, but that is not why it exists.

“Good people disagree with me. On the other hand, my children have a hard time understanding why this is even controversial. I think history will agree with my children.”

Frankly Senator, I don’t know why your children should be seen as the authorities on public policy. I am sure some children didn’t have a problem with slavery. I am sure some children have a problem with abortion. In fact, we educate people so they will not have the understanding of children.

You can say history will agree, but so what? Future people will side with you does not mean that future people are right. If the position is an unchangeable moral truth, then it will be true or false in the future just as much as it is today. Also, history has made wrong decisions. All over the world today, world leaders are making wrong decisions that will impact their people for years. Some decisions seem good at the time and have disastrous effects. We cannot appeal to unknown future without warrant. We can make warnings however if we have parallels.

In this case, we do. When no-fault divorce was a debate, we were told it would not harm children in any way. Children would adapt. This was expert testimony. Now we know that we were wrong. What if we make that same mistake again? The question to ask is “Is it worth the risk?” If so, why?

I hope the Senator will give us an argument next time. We have much here in the way of rhetoric, but naught in the way of argumentation. I would hope someone in charge of the laws of the land would base their arguments on more than emotion.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Another excellent response on an excellent blog can be found here.

Why I Encourage Waiting Until Marriage

Is it harmless to have you fun before you say “I do?” Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Recently, at Reclaiming The Mind, Michael Patton posted on the topic of if the Bible condemns pre-marital sex. His idea was “Yes.” Then shortly after that on TheologyWeb someone shows up who in the midst of his posting saying he is a Christian, starts saying Christ has no problem with sex before marriage and that the legalism of Christians on the issue is sickening. (Wouldn’t surprise me from what I saw if the guy was really an atheist.) There are a number of Christians who have questions on this issue. I figured I should throw in my own two cents.

To give a personal background, when I first lived in Knoxville, I had a circle of friends and around me, I saw people getting married. I was in a position of wondering if it’d ever happen to me. Many people I chatted with online knew that this was my perennial question. It was the great sadness I had in my life. When I went to Charlotte and got on Facebook while there, I saw many people I went to high school with had married and were having kids as well.

Ironically, I formed a new circle of friends, many of whom were in my wedding party. As it turns out, this time, I was the first one in my circle to get married. Allie and I have been married for nearly 2 and a half years. I was 29 when we married and she was 19. (I waited a long time. I tell her often she’s fortunate that she got something many girls dream about, a good husband, pretty much right out of high school) Add in that we both have Asperger’s, and that makes things even more interesting.

Sex is definitely an important part of a marriage. Some people might suspect that I’m going to say what some Christians give the impression of. Sex is something dirty and you shouldn’t think about it.

Um. No.

I’m a married man. I consider that practically blasphemy to say that about sex. It’s something special and awesome and wonderful. God created it. It was all His idea. He designed the parts, the system, and even the engine that runs it. The pleasurable aspect of it, He made for us.

Yes. God intends for us to enjoy this.

I also don’t want to say the usual stuff that we get. Most often we are told “You could get STDs,” or “You could get a girl pregnant or get pregnant yourself” or “You will have guilt for what you did.” First off, it’s true that you could get an STD or pregnancy outside of marriage could result, but what if that was eliminated, and to an extent it can be. Does that mean we no longer have an argument? Our stance must be on moral grounds and not just practical grounds.

As for guilt, some people do have guilt. Some don’t. We do a great danger to those who don’t because they could say “Wow. I had a really good time. The church was wrong about this. I wonder what else they’ve been wrong about as well?” After all, if guilt always resulted from doing something wrong, our society would not have the sin problem to the extent that it does. (Note that not feeling guilty does not mean one has not incurred actual guilt before God)

So now, eliminating STDs, pregnancy, and feelings of guilt, is there any reason to not have sex before one is married?

Yes. Yes there is.

To begin with, our society has its view of sex very much wrong. When we watch a TV show or a movie for instance, it’s usually just what every person is thinking about entirely 24/7. The media doesn’t seem to show all the other aspects of sex that can happen. It seems foreign to them that a woman might not be turned on immediately but needs to be loved over time. It seems to forget that men can also want some emotional closeness and that one does not just play the sex card every time as if every man will be immediately subservient to that. Watch just the media and you can get the idea that we’re all just big bundles of hormones walking around waiting for our next fulfillment.

Yet even still there is an inconsistency. One can find a prostitute as a shameful place to have in society, but one does not seem to find that sleeping around personally is. If anything, it would seem at least the prostitute who is just giving out sex could be said to at least be making money out of the deal. When I see this, I just cannot figure out the irony of it all.

Also, there is a tendency to view the person as just an object. For we men, it can be that a woman could be seen as nothing more than a means to have sexual release. C.S. Lewis once wrote about a man with strong sexual desire and how it would be said “He needs a woman.” Lewis responded that’s the last thing he needs. If he found a real woman, he wouldn’t know what to do. He just wants sex and a woman happens to be the apparatus by which he desires that. We men in marriage need to be on guard against this attitude.

Now someone can say “Well you wouldn’t drive a car without taking it for a test drive would you?” No. You wouldn’t, but this gets to the problem as it is treating people as if they were mechanical and dare I say it, treating sex as if it was nothing but a mechanical process. Of course, there is nothing wrong with technique and such, but this is not just two physical objects coming together. This is two persons, persons with wills and emotions and desires.

When you take the car off the lot to test it out, the car is not thinking “Oh my. I’d better do good for this driver.” The car is not worried about its performance. The car has no pressure. If you reject it, the car does not pine away in the dealer’s lot. The car does not have fear for the next person to come along wondering if it will be rejected again. The car is just still right there and neither knows nor cares.

It’s usually interesting that most people see themselves as the driver instead of the car. Implicitly, the other person in that case is being watched to see if they please you.

In marriage on the other hand, it becomes different. Yes. We men want our own pleasure very much, and to an extent there is nothing wrong with that. We need to know what we like as well so we can tell our wives, but many men will also say, and I would agree, that there is something unsatisfying if we don’t think we’re pleasing our wives at the same time. We’re not just focused on us. We’re focused on making our wives know how much they mean to us, and bluntly, for us, this is one of the best ways we know how to do it. (I understand that Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, has said that this is the sixth love language every man speaks.)

The difference is we have that trust built in beforehand through the covenant that has been made. There is no pressure to perform. There is, of course, or should be, desire to perform and to perform well. It is not for fear of rejection in marriage, or at least it shouldn’t be, but for a desire to build up that trust.

Besides, how much can someone be trusted when they seek total and complete vulnerability from you, but are not willing to make a commitment to you in marriage. “Well they will in the future!” Okay. If they will in the future, and you’re certain of that, then what’s the harm with waiting for that commitment?

Of course, that is a struggle and a battle. Allie and I dated for less than a year, but it was a battle until then. She knows I was very hesitant about physical touch. I was always afraid to go too far. I am not for a moment denying that this is a struggle for people who are not married and for people who are in a dating relationship. In fact, that’s good and normal. Sexual desire is a good and healthy thing.

It’s just that sex is something incredibly powerful and explosive. It is a little dynamite in a marriage relationship that adds a powerful spark. For my friends who are single, yes, this is something that changes your life. I tell people that the reason I have so much confidence now as opposed to the way I was before marriage, is because of the validation that I have in marriage. It is like nothing else. It is the strongest way I can be told “I love you.” Men and women both want romance. We just want it in different ways, and we men definitely need to realize especially that women are creatures that need and deserve romance and not just objects to turn off and on for our pleasure.

In the marriage covenant, this becomes something that solidifies the relationship and strengthens it. The deeper bond that comes produces love as the man and woman see each other in a different light. They start responding to each other differently than they did before. In public, one can think they know their spouse in a way no one else does.

Because of this, each person then seeks to please the other more and more and put to death their own desires, and that can be a battle. There are many times, for instance, that one can be in an argument with a spouse and think of a “zinger” that one could use to really win the argument. I can think of times that I have held back when it was right there waiting to be said. Unfortunately, I can think of times when I’ve been an idiot and let it out only to sincerely and deeply be apologizing minutes later. (And men, please do make it a point to apologize and seek forgiveness when you screw up, because you will as will I.)

Many women can enter a sexual relationship seeing it as if it is a precursor to marriage. Many men are quite happy with the relationship at the level that it’s at, and why shouldn’t they be? They get to have their fun and they don’t even have to make a lifelong commitment to the woman. This is also why statistically, living together before marriage increases the likelihood that you will get a divorce.

And speaking of divorce, some of you could be thinking that a trust relationship isn’t really there in marriage because there’s always divorce. Note what I am going to say at the start. I am not going to say that divorce is ALWAYS wrong. There are sad times where I think it is highly recommended, such as the case of an abusive relationship that does not end even after separation and counseling. I also think it is justifiable in the case of marital infidelity. Of course, in the latter, it is also possible to work through it, and I would encourage that route first. Divorce can be an option, but it should be a last resort. We set the bar way too low and inevitably, people will hit a low target. Treating marriage as if it can be ended at any time for any reason destroys trust. Realize you are in a lifelong relationship with that person so do what you can to build it up, not to tear it down, and don’t test the other person.

Some of you are also surprised I haven’t been quoting Scripture in this. I don’t think there is an explicit reference in the Bible, but I think implicitly, true sexuality in the Bible is always seen to be between husband and wife. In Jewish culture, when a couple was betrothed, they did everything except live together and have sex, which would mean this did not need to be spelled out. Also, the point of marriage would in many cases be the first time of having sex. Having sex with someone, as Paul says, makes you one with that person. I can look back and be thankful that I’m one with only one other person and she has only been one with me as well. I am thankful to have this in my life now, but also thankful that I waited.

The reason ultimately we guard sex between a husband and wife is not because we are prudes, although some of us are. It is for the opposite reason. It is because this is like the objects one keeps in a safe-deposit box. You don’t keep dirty laundry or old banana peels or your grocery list in there. You keep what is valuable in there. We protect sex because it is so valuable and realize that releasing this dynamite outside of the setting it was meant to be used in leads to disaster. The hook-up culture is a fine example of this.

For further information, I think one of the best books a parent can get their Christian child before sending them off to college is “How To Stay Christian In College” by J. Budziszewski. In that book, he has a chapter with several reasons to avoid pre-marital sex. Also, Lauren Winner’s book “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.” For couples who are engaged or about to be, I highly recommend Kevin Leman’s “Sheet Music” and Ed Wheat’s “Intended for Pleasure.”

Go forward and enjoy, but enjoy the way the Creator intended, and you will get the most out of it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Slavery and Marriage?

What do slavery and marriage have in common? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I know some of you think you already see the connection. You might even be thinking “There’s a difference between the two of them?”

No. That’s not what I’m getting at.

I have been looking at the Old Testament Law lately and seeing how it relates to us today. Does it stand for all time, or are there things in there that are actually less than perfect? The answer to the question is the latter. The law is good, but it was not meant to be something for all time. Keep in mind in Galatians 3 that the Law was meant to be a guide to us until the time of the fulfillment of the law, Jesus Christ, came.

Something we often see in the Bible in the Old Testament is polygamy. By the time we get to the NT, we don’t see this as much. Jesus affirms in the gospels that marriage is one man and woman. Polygamy was a differentiation from the ideal but it still had the foundation that Jesus affirmed of one man and one woman. Interestingly, Jesus starts off with asking the Pharisees what Moses said. Moses was of course the authority.

Jesus instead points them back to the higher authority of God who created marriage as one man and one woman. How did he override Moses? He stated that Moses granted a concession. He said that the hearts of people were hardened and so Moses granted the people that they would be able to divorce. Quite likely this was done to avoid an abuse to the system of marriage. There is a case where a law can tolerate a lesser evil in order to avoid a greater evil.

For instance, we do not prosecute people for adultery even though by and large, we consider it to be wrong. Why? Because we don’t want to spend every effort micromanaging everyone’s marriage. We do have a place for freedom to allow people to do evil so that there can be even more freedom to do good. Our laws should often seek to have the bare minimum for a functioning society to do good and to have laws that encourage goodness. We do have penalties for if a marriage is made void because we want to encourage marriage. The law is meant to make a statement about actions and encourage good behavior.

In other words, God took a system that was less than ideal and said “For the time being, I am going to work with this system and use it for good until we reach the point where it is not needed.” The goal would be to change the hearts of the people through the Law over time so that they would not want to divorce or to practice polygamy. It would seem there was some success with polygamy at least as there is not much mention of it after the exile when the Law started to be taken seriously.

What does that have to do with slavery?

Because slavery in the OT also showed less than the perfect will of God.

Now let’s be clear, we are not talking about slavery like it was in the Civil War time. The slavery done then was not a system set in place to exploit the poor. In fact, it was set in place so the poor could have a job. Keep in mind that there weren’t supermarkets and gas stations and Wal-Marts you could go and apply at. You did have to work for someone else and usually in a home setting.

This was also an age where a lot of people might not have their own home. Today, it seems natural, but homes cost money and time and resources, and not everyone has those. When you get a home, how will you put food on the table, or even get a table for that matter? How will you provide clothes for the family? One way to deal with this is to live with someone else and to the work for them. They provide room and board for you and your family and you work for them.

There were numerous problems with this system as it could easily lead to exploitation, but it was a way the world had to work in the infancy of humanity. The large market of jobs was not available in a society not as developed. The more economies were built by people, the more they had job opportunities. In our society, we can find that hard to think of with so many businesses that can offer places to work. We need to look outside of our own system and see the biblical system and how it was.

We can realize the law was good for the time, but it was not perfect, and we should not treat it as the way a perfect society was to be for all time. We have the fullness in Christ now. Some might be tempted to think things will be easier, but let’s remember when Jesus commented on the moral aspects of the Law, he always went even stronger than the Law did. Fortunately, he enables us to do that which we would not be able to do on our own as well.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Two Years Today

Two years of what? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

In the past, I kept to myself, but around two years ago, I did make a personal announcement that people who did not know me were probably very surprised by. I announced then that I had met someone very special and I would be out for about a week as I was getting ready to tie the knot.

Today, that has been two years.

It’s really incredible all that we’ve gone through. We’ve had deaths in the family. I had a gallbladder attack that resulted in my needing surgery. We’ve had to move. I’ve lost a job. I’ve been unemployed (And still am.). In two years, we’ve faced a number of crises, some of which we’ve probably forgotten.

And we’re still going strong.

It’s not to say it hasn’t been work at times, but should we expect anything less? In our world today, to learn to love the other and put your own needs and desires second place is extremely difficult, especially in an individualistic culture that looks at each person as the center of their universe.

Let’s face it. The old man can rise up in us all and needs to be put to death and marriage is one of the best ways to find out what your nature is really like. It reminds me even of how someone at my last job once asked me the best way to learn forgiveness. I answered “Get married.” Why? You spend a lot of your time either giving forgiveness or asking it. In my case, it’s asking.

As readers know, we haven’t had much and that’s been difficult. It’s not just paying for basic necessities in this tough economy, but I do have a very generous side that would love to give more gifts to my wife than I can afford to do and I hate to have to say no.

Something else you learn about marriage is that love grows every time. My wife is more beautiful today than when I was dating her. She means more to me today and half the time I find myself stunned at the things I think and believe because I had no idea that such a commitment was possible.

Noteworthy also for my friends is to see the change that has come. Aspies usually don’t have the best of diets, yet I’ve had increased diversity there ever since my Princess came along. Doctors today be they physicians or mental doctors have been stunned since they had given up hope long ago. A good woman can just be a great incentive.

Study has also been more important now. My wife has greatly caused my confidence to increase and while I’m unemployed, I’ve been making the most of my time with vociferous reading from the local library. I have high hopes of winning a kindle in their summer reading contest. I even already subscribe to the free list of books on Kindle and get those emailed to me.

As for the apologetics field, I hope to see it grow. I believe we are on a great quest right now and there’s no telling where it’s going to go. I realize things are hard, but being a theologian, I realize who’s in charge of the story as well and trust that He will guide us to a good outcome. While my resume may not be getting many bites, I will still try to no end.

Any way, to my Princess, you are the love of my life! Happy Anniversary from your Phoenix!

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Self-Focused Sexuality

Why are we having a debate over the marriage question? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I was in a debate on Facebook on same-sex marriage when someone wanting to respond to my view told me that if my view is correct, then divorce should be illegal.

It was at that moment that I got a further realization of how depraved our culture is.

“If marriage is a lifelong sexual commitment between a man and a woman, then divorce should be illegal.”

“But divorce should not be illegal because divorce is a good.”

“Therefore, marriage should not have to be a lifelong sexual commitment between a man and a woman.”

Was this said explicitly of course? No. The argument does seem to assume that divorce is some kind of good and we ought to have it. See how ridiculous my position would be then? I take this thing that is a good and say that if my view on marriage is correct, this should not be.

In fact, my reply was to congratulate the person on agreeing with Jesus. Jesus, if you remember, when asked about divorce, said that Moses granted divorce because of the hardness of hearts, but it was not always this way. God did not design marriage to be separated by divorce. Now Jesus did grant it in the case of unfaithfulness to the covenant, and there are such sad cases, but those cases are for when the good thing has already gone incredibly bad.

It would be a mistake to start with divorce as the good. We must start with marriage as the good. We should not be seeking to protect the state of divorce. We should instead be seeking to protect the state of marriage.

Could this be part of the reason why we even have the debate on SSM to begin with? Every argument is built on premises and there are times that those premises themselves have to be questioned. If marriage is just simply about the happiness of the people involved, then I agree, there would not really be an argument against SSM. Now marriage can and does bring happiness to the two, but is that what the institution is all about? Does marriage exist simply to make us happy?

As Christians, we are to believe that our happiness is found ultimately in God. There are things here that can make us happy, but they cannot be the source of our happiness. Our spouses can make us happy, but they should not be our happiness. Sexual union can also bring about happiness, but it should not be the source of happiness. If we make either of those the source, we make a huge mistake as we end up creating an idol.

For our culture, sex is the big one. We live in a society that says you are not living a complete life if you have not had sex. I happen to have friends who are single and still virgins and I am convinced they are living lives of much higher quality than those people I know of who are shacking up or who are having one-night stands regularly.

It is my hope that they will marry, because I do think marriage provides a great joy and I want them to have it, but at the same time, if for some reason they decide to not marry, then that is alright. They are not living incomplete lives. It is possible to go through life without ever having sex and still to have led a rich and full life.

Yes. You heard that right.

Now as a married man, supposing, and God forbid, my wife suddenly died. I would be without sex in my life then. It would be something very hard, no doubt, and something I would miss assuming I never remarried, but it would be entirely possible still. My life is enriched by sex, but my life does not depend on it. You will not find a medical report anywhere that says “Cause of death: Lack of sex.”

Our society just finds this incredible to think about. We have films like the 40 year-old Virgin. After all, who could reach the age of 40 and still be a virgin? How bizarre would that be?

Yet I wonder if anyone would really describe our society overall as happy with this. We might have some temporary pleasures every now and then, but could we not be more like addicts seeking more and more pleasure from various places and needing more and more to get us the necessary high each time?

A married couple should not have this problem. It is the constant growing with the other person physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and sexually that shapes things. The intimacy is regularly built that you become one with the person and rather than wading in many shallow pools of sexual flings, we end up diving in a sexual ocean with one person becoming more and more aware of them every time.

The great danger is to come seeking solely your pleasure. Now you need to be aware of your own pleasure so your spouse can know what does and doesn’t bring you pleasure, but if you are just seeking your own pleasure entirely, you are not loving the other person. You are treating them as an object.

For this reason men, we should sometimes be thankful our wives tell us “no.” Men tend to be the ones that want to enjoy sex the most and women don’t. Why is it that a man should be thankful for something like this? Mark Gungor, a Christian pastor with the “Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage” says in his DVD presentation that there are some men who marry a woman with a strong sexual appetite and that he thinks he speaks on behalf of all men when he says to those guys “We hate you.”

Without some limitations, we could tend to dominate our wives. We could think they exist solely for our pleasure. They do not. Keep in mind we also exist to bring them happiness. In fact, in Deuteronomy, if a man got married, he was not to go to war for a year so he could bring cheer to his wife. That’s right. The man was supposed to avoid defending his country so he could make his wife happy.

It does not say so she can bring cheer to the man. (And this is supposedly a sexist culture remember)

I’ve recently been reading “And the Band Played On” by Randy Shilts on the spread of AIDS. Shilts was in fact a homosexual who died of AIDS, and regularly one hears about the homosexual experience in the book where men who just always want more pleasure would find more and more partners, and more would be needed, as well as more experiences. The number of sexual partners a man could have in his life would be astronomical.

Why does that matter? Because with no limitations placed on appetite, one can allow it to dominate, and when an appetite for that which is less than the greatest good dominates, then it will quickly lead to idolatry. Could this be some of what Paul has in mind in Romans 1?

What has this been all about? It’s been all about seeking our happiness. Marriage is not about that. It is hard work. Why? You are a fallen individual and the person you marries is fallen and when our fallenness collides with that of another, you can be sure that there will be conflict. My Mrs. and I can get upset sometimes over the craziest things. We can know it’s crazy, but hey, we’re fallen.

That being said, we both want the other person to shine in the future. My wife wants to see my ministry flourish and is excited about where she thinks I am going. Meanwhile, I see that my wife has a lot of good to her that she has a hard time realizing and I am looking forward to seeing that beautiful flower bloom more and more.

We have this idea that everything in life is supposed to be easy. It’s not. Most things in fact are hard. I’ve said on a recent blog I think that I try to read at least 100 pages a day, often more. That can be difficult with balancing time between being with my wife, helping around the house, doing any work, just some quiet pleasure time, and all the other demands of the day. It’s good to be able to answer questions, but the wrong approach to getting the ability to answer questions is not to sit down and pray “God. Give me the knowledge I need,” and then do nothing. There is nothing wrong with praying that, but be sure to follow it with actions. Be sure to be going to a library, listening to podcasts, attending conferences, studying, dialoguing with others, and taking classes at colleges and Seminaries.

The reality is that you actually have to be seeking knowledge in order to get knowledge. What would it mean to say “I want knowledge” but then say “But I don’t want to do all the things that will bring about knowledge?” If that is your attitude, then you do not really want knowledge. You might think it’d be nice to have, but it just isn’t worth the effort.

If you want a good and happy marriage, you will have to work. It does not matter who you marry. Work will be an essential. That person will change over time and you will have to love them through all the changes. This will help you to become a more holy person. When you are tempted to complain about your spouse’s attitude, it will show you much in your own attitude you need to work on.

We often hear about how hard the Bible is on women with the term “submit.” Most don’t take the time to look at what else is in Ephesians 5. I was recently talking with a friend on the phone whose wife is going through a hard time and reminding him of what it says.

What does it say? How are husbands to love their wives? “As Christ loved the church.” As I told him, that better terrify you. That is a huge calling. What man is going to look and say “Yeah. I can love a woman the way Christ loves the church?” It is supreme arrogance to think that we apart from the Holy Spirit could do that, but yet, this is what we are called to do. We are called to the most sacrificial love of all. (And keep in mind, this is in that sexist book again.)

The first step is to stop looking at other people, including our spouses, to fulfill our desires. The second step is to stop looking at ourselves as having our purpose be to fulfill the desires of our spouses. What? “But Nick, I thought you were saying we need to have that self-sacrificial love.”

Correct. We are. There is nothing wrong with seeking some of your desires to be filled and some of your spouses. The person we should desire the most to please is God. When we are loving our spouse, we should be asking if we are loving in a way that is pleasing the heart of God. If we are pleasing God, we will benefit our spouse. We can be thinking we are loving our spouse, but if we are not pleasing God, then we are not really loving our spouse as we ought.

For those who are single, live in such a way to please God as well and count on Him for your happiness. If you want to marry, that’s just fine. Go ahead and seek a spouse. Just don’t make your spouse an idol. If you don’t want to marry, then be aware of what that comes with, such as a life without sexual intercourse. You can still lead a rich and fulfilling life. You will have to ask if that is a worthwhile sacrifice. Christianity only teaches two options. You either have no sex, or you get married and have sex with only that person.

Perhaps when we realize that everything is about the joy of God instead of our joy, we can recover the hope of the world and restore marriage for a watching world. Our view of everything should be different because we are Christians and yet it seems for marriage, our thinking is usually the same as the world’s. Christ has changed everything. He changed the view of the first century peoples on sex and marriage. Let us not forsake that new view to return to the old.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

How Not To Argue Marriage

Is there a way to not argue for marriage? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I recently got shown a letter in the local newspaper by a minister writing about how unconditional love demands the recognition of same-sex marriages. I was quite appalled at what I saw and immediately drafted out a response that after some shortening, the newspaper is going to put up.

In checking the web site to see what people are putting up, I notice the rampant quoting of Scripture. Now I love Scripture and think we should all know and treasure it, but I do not think the way we are going to win the marriage debate is by quoting Scripture.

Here in the South, it might have more credibility, but I’d like for you if you’re a Christian to imagine what it would mean for you if someone said that their Scripture, the Koran, tells you how it is you’re supposed to live. It could even be something you agree with as Islam does not approve of homosexuality, and yet you would not take it seriously. It is doubtful you’d go out saying “The Koran says the same thing!”

The problem is the person you’re usually dialoguing with will not accept the Bible as authoritative. Now if they do, that would change things, but even still there can be a problem.

What will usually happen is that someone will quote Leviticus 18 and tell how homosexuality is considered an abomination. The skeptic will reply “And so is eating shellfish. Should we do away with that?” Now I do not believe this is a good argument, but it is a common one. What will happen? You will immediately shift away from the topic of homosexuality to a debate on biblical inerrancy and interpretation.

In fact, you could, and I believe you can, win that argument and the person will then just say “Well that was also another time and culture.” This is a route where you could win the battle and lose the war. Of course, there is an answer to that, but would it not be best to avoid the debate altogether?

The moral commands of the Bible were not new. One does not need Scripture to know right from wrong. If you were to go to Leviticus 18 and 20, two passages that condemn homosexuality, you would find this. In both passages we are told that the nations Israel is dispossessing are being driven out because of these actions. In other words “They are getting punished for what they know is wrong.” If this knowledge could not be known, there would be no basis for punishment.

If this is the case, then instead of looking at just what Scripture says, which is informative, let’s look at why it says it. What is the reasoning that we can all possess that should show us that homosexual behavior is wrong and is part of general revelation?

There are many ways of doing this. Some people come from a medical perspective and show the dangers of the behavior. Some come from a statistical behavior and using social sciences study the behavior to show the problems. Some, like myself, come with a philosophical bent and seek to study sexuality that way and the family and show how it’s wrong.

These are all effective ways and prevent another great danger. When we reason with just the Bible, we are more prone to look like brain-dead fools. I am certainly not saying we are, but I am saying that that is how we will be perceived. We can actually take up the weapons of the enemy and meet them on their own turf and win. The one who loves the Bible should also love knowledge outside the Bible.

This will lead to better debates, debates we can all take more seriously, and let’s hope that they are.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Marriage and Moving

So now that we have the big move done, what’s been learned since then? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I’ve been told that it’s awfully popular whenever I write about marriage and now that we’re moved into a new house, there have come some changes in how we approach matters so let’s talk about it.

To begin with, we’re living next to my folks, seeing as it is my grandmother’s old house after all. We immediately decided that we would establish some boundaries. Naturally, my folks have some authority around our household, but they also know that the final decision comes down to myself. If I think they are incorrect with something that they are saying about my wife, I will say so. It may not be immediately. I might have to think about their perspective for awhile before I finally decide.

Finances are still tough for us. I’m still looking for another job and looking to raise up funds through Ratio Christi, but being as I’m very much Aspie, that aspect of speaking is difficult. Talking to someone about the evidence that Jesus rose from the dead and that God exists? Sure. Any time. Talking to someone about fundraising? Hard as can be.

We do have a whole lot more room now which means more places to walk around. My wife is turning our attic into her art studio, which is just fine with me since the stairs to the attic have always frightened me anyway and she’d be more comfortable up there. Meanwhile, since the house has two bedrooms and we only need one, the other one is for the time being my office, so as I write this, I am writing it in my office.

The office is quite nice to have. My wife hasn’t really liked the idea of being surrounded by books, but in our old apartment, I had to keep them all in the bedroom and she was surrounded. Now, my books have their own place, although she is still hopeful that someday I’ll get a Kindle. I wouldn’t mind it either, but I’ve heard the Nook allows for library check-outs, which might be better for me.

While we thought there’d be something awkward about living in my grandmother’s old house, so far there hasn’t been. Every now and then I do have a memory of things in this house with her, but by and large, we’ve established it as our house and I do know the history more of this house now and that several members of my family have lived here. My wife and I are just the latest in a long line of people in the family to take up residence and we hope we honor those who came before us and whoever will follow after us.

Sleeping is still difficult at times. Is it because we’re in my grandmother’s old house? No. It’s actually a quite different reason. For some reason, we don’t have a door to the bedroom and so every morning, our cat decides to let us know that he wants breakfast and comes in, usually around 6:30 whining for us to feed him. For me, once I get up around then, I can’t go back to sleep, but I’ve managed to adjust. I usually spend some time on the PSP or DS last thing before bed which actually helps calm me down. Or else it’s just that due to my being an Aspie, I like the familiarity and that’s what it takes for me.

My wife also has her dream kitchen here, which is a 50’s style diner. There’s several Coca-Cola products. I’m especially thankful in it for the new stove some generous friends of the family got us. Our stove automatically will heat to the temperature for us, tell us when it’s ready, and then has it’s own timer. I’m quite sure it’d shut itself off as well. Believe it or not for some of you, I can do some of the cooking around the house.

We also now live in the country. My wife hopes to be gardening more towards the summer. We can also go walking easily and there are no fast-food restaurants and such around so we more have to make sure that what we have lasts. The library, post office, and a place to get hair cut are all within walking distance.

I happen to love walking. I carry a walking stick with me every time not only for that awesome adventuring feel, but just for safety, especially since some people who live in our street own dogs and if I ever met a really vicious one, I want to be ready. I also walk reading a book at the same time and can get in several pages on a brief walk.

So living in a house really changes our approach. It has also come with lessons on marriage. Having my parents around means that we regularly interact with another married couple. My aunt and uncle live next door as well, and they even used to live in this house, and they are much older in age and so we hope to do our part to help take care of them. They have been married longer than my own folks have been around.

Looking for churches has been difficult. We want to find a church that is more contemporary in style, but I also do like to hear the old hymns some. We also want to make sure that this is a church that realizes the importance of the apologetics ministry and sadly, many don’t. I am regularly disappointed by the churches and realize how far we have to go in working on them.

There is also the division of duties. My wife loves the kitchen so that’s mainly her responsibility. Still, I try to do my part. When we make up the bed, that is a task for both of us to do together. I maintain my own office and as for the cat, I handle his litter box. Also, like all men out there, I have the tasks of taking out the trash and handling those vicious intruders that sometimes come in known as “bugs.”

In all the change, we are still husband and wife and that means learning to love the right way. How is it that a man is loved by Christ? He is to love his wife the same way. In our society, too many people often think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and thus don’t take care of their own marriage.

Little tip guys, and also for you women who are abandoning marriage. If the grass is not green for some reason, have you ever considered that maybe you need to be a better gardener? In fact, this is what Ephesians tells us to do. We are to present our brides before Christ and maybe we’re not taking that position as seriously as we ought sometimes. The wife and I often talk about how we can improve things since we can regularly hear the statistics even in churches. I think part of the problem is we don’t have the foundation of marriage. We just have the ethics but not a basis and the ethics are floating in the air.

The basis for the faithfulness is the covenant system in the NT. For those who hold to eternal security, this should have any more weight seeing as you believe Christ is faithful even when you are not. Whenever one has a disagreement with the spouse, it is wise to look at yourself and say “How am I treating Christ?” It can be quite amazing to find out you’re not much better.

We also learn that we need to have some of our own time. There are times I just want to be in my office working on my material alone. There are times that she wants to be on her laptop. There are times I go walking and it’s just me and I’m find with that. We do have special together times such as visiting my family or watching something on the TV. I’ve been surprised to find out that she quite likes the Waltons, a series I’d never seen before.

For together times, for many of my friends, something needs to be said about how sex fits into all of this. For the men, it’s not a secret that we usually have strong libidos. Consider the joke that has been made about the Muslim version of Heaven. When a man gets there and finds 70 women waiting on him, that’s heaven. If a woman got there and saw 70 men wanting her, that’d be hell.

I do have a distress I often see amongst young men who are not married and are asking me now “What’s the big deal about waiting till marriage?” Sometimes, these are Christian men and it’s very sad that I have to ask now when counseling some men who are interested in women “Are you planning on waiting until marriage?”

Most couples don’t realize the explosive force that they’re unlocking when it happens and it is something that will forever change your relationship. You will never look at each other the same way again and you will forever have to watch the way that you look at the opposite sex.

Christians. Be on guard with how you handle this area prior. Watch the attitude you have towards the opposite sex. For we men for instance, we can constantly have that rolodex of women we knew before and we have to do what we can to banish that from our minds. My wife often thinks I’m being paranoid, but I make it a point to not look at other women because I don’t want my mind to wander. This is especially true when watching TV or a movie as my wife will often have to tell me when I can look again.

Now I have often said preachers preach too much on the negatives and not on the positives. Let’s get some positives. Enjoy this aspect of marriage very very much. I often look forward to my friends getting married so they can get to experience the great gift of marriage. It is a great gift and remember that God made it to be enjoyed.

We Christians can sometimes be so prudish at times on sexuality that we make it a difficult for a couple to switch positions once they’re married. Before marriage, we are rightfully told to avoid sex. After marriage, we are rightfully told to enjoy it. The problem is we’re not given a reason why to avoid and then not given a reason why to enjoy.

The reason you avoid is that you are not yet in a covenant and in a position of total trust. If you think you are in that position, then at least be willing to go get married immediately. If that seems like a big step to you, then you are definitely not in the position to be having sex. You are wanting the pleasures of covenant without the commitment of covenant.

Why enjoy it? Because you are in that covenant. There’s no reason not to. God made the system and He made it for you to enjoy it. Why is it enjoyable? It’s because God designed it that way. The union that is that of husband and wife is meant to be an image of the union between God and man one day. If the shadow is God’s incredible gift, we can’t help but wonder how awesome the reality will be.

But for those who are single, do not despise your virginity. Instead, enjoy it as a badge of honor that you are being faithful for your special person and one day, if you get married, the other person will be very grateful and you can truly say that you two have only ever known each other.

Once again, marriage is a gift and where we live now is also a gift. There is much more to learn I am sure, but I hope what I have said has been helpful to those out there.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Is Marriage Failing?

Has the institution of marriage let us down? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

Readers of the blog know that for all intents and purposes, I am still a Newlywed and this has been a major learning experience. I often look forward to my male friends who are single getting married themselves so they know the joy of it, but at the same time want to prepare them for realities. Marriage is awesome, but it is also something that requires work.

My wife and I are both diagnosed with Asperger’s. This makes our marriage even more interesting. Something we discovered early on was that while there are many ways we have to say “I love you,” some are unique to us. Her cooking me something is such a way and wanting to buy me something is a way. For me, I am all about knowledge and one way I have done so is by ordering books on marriage and reading about being a good husband.

I also listen to podcasts. One I’ve found quite enjoyable is Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans. (Link below) I think the advice given is often quite good and my wife and I have started the pattern of listening to an episode together and then discussing it. We listened today to one on God’s indestructible plan for marriage. After that, we discussed what the subject was, how women need to feel loved and secure and how men need to feel respected and honored.

We then talked about ways we do this for each other and then talked about ways we don’t do this for the other and how we’d like to see change. We also set up a rule that we want it to be that when she does not feel loved by something I do, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness, and when I don’t feel respected by something she does, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness. It doesn’t mean that the person speaking is right, but they do have a right to speak. I really think this would be a great rule for many marriages to follow.

However, there was one point I disagreed with on the show and that was when Jimmy Evans said that the institution of marriage was failing as more and more people were unmarried than ever before and divorce was becoming more prevalent. Some of you could be wondering “With unwed mothers, homosexuality on the rise, and cohabitation without marriage rising, how could you say the institution of marriage is not failing?” Some of you I hope have caught the distinction, and it is one my wife caught immediately when someone gave her the same kind of statement.

The institution of marriage does not fail. People fail the institution of marriage.

You see, the system works great. It’s God’s idea. It’s just the people that are in the system are often problematic. Why is this? One reason that comes to my mind immediately is how self-centered each of us is. We are all constantly looking out for #1.

Sure. The husband is more than willing to help with taking out the trash, but there’d better be sex in it for him or else he’s going to be upset. Meanwhile, of course the wife is willing to have sex with her husband, but he’d sure better be sure to paint the kid’s bedroom!

This can sadly happen and in each case, each person is looking out for #1 and not seeing the joy in helping their spouse just for helping them. Okay men. You’ve spent all day cleaning up the house to surprise your Mrs. and then think “I bet she’ll want to show me how much she appreciates this!” Let’s suppose that wasn’t on your mind really when you started, but now it is and of course, it’s all you can think about it.

Question. If she does not give you a really good time tonight, are you going to feel hurt?

Let’s hope the answer is no. She is not under obligation after all. There is nothing that says that if you do X, she must have sex with you. Keep in mind however men, that women will say you are never more attractive to them than you are when you’re doing housework. (On a forum I belong to, there was a thread once called “Female porn” that consisted of pictures of men fully clothed doing housework.)

If she does, well you can certainly enjoy that! If she doesn’t, what do you enjoy? You enjoy that you got to show love to your wife and please her. Perhaps if she is not interested, she has her own reasons and it might just be that it does not mean anything whatsoever about her lack of desire for you. Instead, just let it be. It’s not much of a gift of grace to her if you give of yourself only so you can get something in return. Keep in mind we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, which means sacrifice.

Now as to the women, so you spend all the time prettying yourself up waiting for your husband to get home from work. You’ve had a nice and long shower, put on his favorite perfume and the nicest make-up, fixed his favorite dinner, and you have those rose petals on the bed while you’re wearing a very revealing outfit all for him and have that romantic evening all planned with some nice romantic music. When he comes home, he is pleased and the night goes exactly as you wanted.

And now you go to sleep that night and think “I’ve shown my husband a great time. I hope he’ll paint the kid’s bedroom tomorrow.”

What if he doesn’t? What if the guy is still a bonehead who has not caught on as to how much this means to you? Do you get angry? “I did all this for him and he doesn’t do this for me?!” (oh how tempting it can be for us!) Or, do you delight that you showed your husband love? Note however I think this wife is on the right track. Women. You find men doing the housework attractive, but it is certain that if you nag your husbands, they will find that unattractive and will NOT want to meet your request. In fact, the way to get your husband to have more interest in your desires is to have more interest in his. One of the best things you can do in this case is to seduce your husband.

Marriage is the best way to draw you out of yourself and start you focusing on another. As you live with the other person, you have to learn how to change. You can no longer think about just what you want. Perhaps I want to spend some time in study and my wife wants to watch a movie. Am I willing sometimes to forgo that for the joy of my family, or will my wife always be second to academia? (For those concerned, we do often watch movies together at home).

Perhaps the Mrs. has been busy preparing herself to head out the door, but her husband sees her getting ready and suddenly has other things on his mind. Okay. Maybe you are too busy at this point, but does that mean you have to give a flat no? How about something like “I’d really love to right now, but I have to get to work, but I will be thinking about you all day today and if you have things ready when I get home, I will also be ready.” Be assured of this women. You will be on his mind ALL DAY!

No. You can’t do everything every time, but what would happen if in marriage each person put the needs and desires of the other above themselves? Why most of each person’s needs and desires would be met. What do we do when we seek to look out for #1? We seek to meet our needs and desires. A major difference with the first way is that in this case, we not only get them met, but we also grow in holiness and character as we reach beyond ourselves into the other.

Someone I worked with once asked me what the best way to learn forgiveness was. I answered to get married. In marriage, you spend a lot of time being forgiven and giving forgiveness because all your faults are displayed there for the other person to see and there’s nowhere to hide.

For we men, we have to learn to love with grace. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, a tall order that should fill us with terror when we see how badly we are failing obviously. The women are to love as the church loves Christ. Some women might be saying “Well that’s a relief because the church doesn’t do that one well!” It would be a mistake to think that way. The church is the body of Christ and the church is to love Christ as if they were loving themselves. How many of us are good at doing that with the other?

It’s not a surprise to me then that so many people try to take the easy way out to avoid this, but the easy way will seldom produce exemplary results. “Marriage is just a ritual” The problem is with the word ‘just’. The ceremony is certainly a ritual in a sense, but it is much more than that. The wedding day is a day that will change your life forever.

Ah. Such a risky manuever! Let us go without risks! We will try each other out first! We will see how we do and if we think we are doing well, well then we might consider marriage.

Do you like being tested? Now some of us are rare exceptions in that when test time came at school for me, I was thrilled. I thoroughly enjoyed a good test. That is because I knew the subject and could pass it and thus, that meant that I had an easy class.

What if the test was never-ending? What if the test was every day? What if you were tested on every comment, every action, and every fiber of you being? Would that be a good test? What if it was not your knowledge that was being tested, but rather you that were being tested?

What if this test determined whether this person would love or respect you and your entire future happiness could depend on this?

Are you able to be free? No. You must walk on pins and needles. Your time in the bedroom cannot be as passionate if you know that you must please this other person. You cannot seriously think about having children if you know that this other person might not be around to help raise them. How can you plan to buy that house if you could be left with a mortgage when the other person abandons you?

For a married couple, they are to stay together no matter what. Whatever happens, one makes the best of it and loves and/or respects anyway. For the couple that is living together, it is but a sham.

“Okay,” I have heard several single guys ask me. “What’s the big deal? If I’m in love with this woman, I want to have sex with her. Why should I wait?”

You know what. That’s a good question. Why should you wait? Another good one is “Why shouldn’t you?”

For single men who are willing to take this risk, you are playing a very very dangerous game. I was relieved when one friend I have who started dating already told me they were making sure that if their relationship went well, there would be no sex until marriage and that that goes without saying.

For too many guys, even Christian guys I know, it sadly does not go without saying.

The dangerous game is that this is something dynamite that will forever change the fabric of your relationship. In ancient times, most marriages were arranged at birth. Today, many still are. How did that work? The two people who never knew each other come together after the wedding for the first time. This was usually where something like a bloodied sheet would be shown so all could celebrate the marriage being consummated.

That act was what it took to begin forming the bond. Were it not that the future of the human race is built upon having children and that sex is something designed to be very pleasurable, I suspect most men would never get married. However, it is that drive for the female that makes us want to be with her and the act of sex increases that desire all the more. Don’t think it can happen and the fabric of your relationship not change. It most certainly will.

Marriage creates the perfect bond for that. This is why Paul even told men and women to only abstain if they agreed beforehand and to come quickly together lest the devil use their lack of self-control. Obvious reason even for Christian couples? Both will want more and it will quickly become something highly important in the marriage.

Marriage helps to stabilize this drive. The man knows he must work to please the woman and provide for her as she meets his need for respect. The woman knows that she must be gracious and loving so that her husband will be able to meet her need for love and security. Sexual intercourse will also be a great security for her as it will be a great affirmation of respect for him.

Why wait? Because you want to save that for the person you’ve committed your whole life to. “Well I already know she’s the one!” Okay. If you’re so sure, you should be willing to wait. Is she not worth waiting for? You can rest assured, there will be times in marriage when you have to wait. You might as well learn now.

Thus, if she is the one, wait and you will have her eventually. If she is not the one, then you can be sure you are saving yourself for the right one.

But it could just be our drive for our personal pleasure is greater than our drive for personal holiness.

And maybe that’s what the problem is at root. We are lovers of self rather than lovers of God. If you are in a marriage and you do not love your spouse, do not give me this nonsense then that you love God. Now sadly, if in the case of a situation like abuse, it could be you have to separate, but I’d also be praying for your spouse to be convicted and repent and return to holiness. Most of us are not in these situations and how can we be lovers of God and not lovers of our spouses? John told us we cannot say we love God if we do not love man who is in His image.

Let us then reach beyond ourselves and love God and love our spouses, for the glory of God, and show the world the institution of marriage is not failing.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Info on Marriage Today can be found here

Reflections on Cherokee

Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. Before continuing our look at Inerrancy, I’d like to write on the weekend my wife and I had taking part in an apologetics conference in Cherokee, NC at Christ Fellowship Church.

This was put on through the work of our own church, Community Fellowship Church. There were many fine talks, including one by my best man at my wedding, an excellent talk on Mormonism and the Jehovah’s Witnesses. My wife and I quite enjoyed the company of Winfried Corduan and his wife. Some great friendships were established at this meeting. The conference ended with a panel with anyone asking questions and some turned out to be quite interesting.

Something I had to comment on on the panel was when a young boy who I found out later was 12 asked a question at the conference, and he had gone around taking notes and asking questions to many of the speakers. When he asked something, I took the mike afterwards and told the people that I found it simply extraordinary that a boy of this age was asking questions and seeking truth and implored the church to wrap themselves around this boy and teach him. I would rather have a dozen like him in the church than to have 1,200 that are just going through the motions in a church. Such a thirst for truth is to be commended.

Something that has been notable by its absence so far is the subject of my talk. I spoke on the apologetic of love, a topic chosen by my pastor based on my talk on 1 Corinthians 13 at the church. I had mine be simply a marriage seminar pointing out that the reason the homosexual community is going after marriage and that we have no-fault divorce is that the church cheapened marriage to begin with. We will raise our intellectual arms against the homosexual activists and state that marriage is a sacred covenant and they are not to misuse it for themselves, and then go home and treat our spouses like they don’t exist.

Being an aspie, it also meant that I could be transparent and make remarks that most people would not have the guts to make. That does not mean that I said anything explicit or inappropriate. The audience quite enjoyed the talk with much laughter throughout it at several pieces of humor that I would throw out. Not just intentional humor, but simply stating the truth, which Bill Cosby has shown is often funnier. (Try to think of a joke the comedian tells. He just tells the truth and the truth is funny.)

There were also several who came up and told me how much they appreciated what I had to say, and most notably to me, a lot of these were women. We had a lady in our college class at our church who told me she began writing a note to her boyfriend during the talk stating that she never took the time to appreciate all the good he did but simply criticized him on the bad. I quite look forward to finding the link to my talk when it becomes available and putting it up here for you all to listen to.

In fact, the area was so nice my Mrs. has already stated that she would love it if we could move up there sometime, and considering the way the town was we stayed at, we just might do that someday. It would also enable me to help that church up there more in their apologetic endeavors and form a good bridge between it and the church that I attend now.

For those who read this blog and wonder about supporting what is done here, please keep in mind that it is only through such support that we can speak at conferences like this. I had to take time off from work, which is days that I cannot get paid, as well as rely on the support of others. A kind lady from our church drove my wife and I there and back, some from the church helped buy us meals, and the church we spoke at covered our sleeping expenses.

I urge you then that if you think the lesson on Christian marriage and other topics in apologetics are worth speaking on, then please consider making a donation to Deeper Waters via the donate button on this blog. Also, our ministry partner is Tektonics.org and you can go to their donation page here and in your donation just state that it is for Deeper Waters. The advantage with going to Tektonics is that it is tax-deductible then.

Consider also subscribing to the blog and remember that we can be found on Facebook as well.

Finally, we definitely wish to thank the people of Christ Fellowship Church for allowing us to do this and our family at Community Fellowship Church who worked so hard to make this possible. We hope that our talk was something that will revitalize Christian marriages in the area and hopefully wherever else the message is spread and we get to speak.

We also thank you readers who do support us and read this blog regularly and we hope that many more of you will join in.