Tonight, I am going to blog about what’s going on in my life. Dear readers. This will be the last blog for a few days. Tomorrow, I disconnect the internet here and prepare to move on ahead to go to Seminary in another city. (Actually, another state even.) I will not deny I am anxious and excited and terrified and every other emotion that can be experienced.
I am remembering a sermon I heard in Bible College where the speaker said he was going to play a tune and he was going to ask us if we recognized it. I thought “Pssh. I hardly listen to music. How could I?” Lo and behold though, it was one I knew all too well. It was the music played when finishing a stage in the Original Super Mario Brothers. The preacher wanted to speak on how we need to go to the next level.
That’s what I’m doing, and I’ll say I’ve never been more anxious about a decision I think as I’ve never taken a step of such huge proportions. Name any kind of doubt or fear you can have. I am sure I have faced it. Everyone around me says “That’s normal”, but picture telling such to a guy on his wedding day who is nervous. It is good to hear, but it doesn’t necessarily make the nerves go away.
It gives me time to think about fear also. I see fear as a parasite of sorts. It sucks off of our emotions and tries to make things other than as they are. If we saw things as they are, including the God who is there, we would not be afraid. Unfortunately, fear changes our view of God as well.
Fear makes everything else that is wrong bigger and that which is true smaller. I notice this with every fear I have. The evidence that my fear is true is “huge.” However, the counter evidence is always small. When I come across it, it is always discounted then and along comes the bigger fear.
My theory is that if we could focus on that fear, we would see how small it really is. I like the approach taken by JKR in the Harry Potter series. The creatures called Boggarts are made to be shapeshifters and take on the form of whatever the person viewing them fears most. The answer is to picture them in a ridiculous position and shout “Ridiculous!” and watch them take that shape. Then, one laughs and the Boggart is defeated.
I like that for it shows fear has no definite shape on its own. I believe all fear is like that. It doesn’t have any sort of independent exist. It is like sin. Sin can only twist that which is good. Fear can only twist that which is true. I have to learn to keep that in mind. In stories I used to write as a kid, fear was always the final enemy I fought in them. I think that could point at a truth that I saw and maybe others see. “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
I also deal with my family at this time. They’re not taking it well. They want to see it happen, but it’s just so difficult for them. My mother is especially in this case. Other mothers have told me about how it was for them. We all just need to adjust and in the end, we’ll all be stronger for it.
Dear readers. I don’t know what more to say at this point. I think I shall just close it. It could be I’m just all a jumble so not as lucid as I would normally hope I am. I just ask that you pray for me and my new roommate and my own family as this step takes place in my life. I look forward to writing again.