How does a guy get ready? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.
I had something else in mind to write about, but I saw Sheila Wray Gregoire had a post on this topic on her blog, except for the women. Tomorrow is mine and Allie’s eighth anniversary and so I know that eight years ago, preparing was just what I was doing. This is an area that many men, especially Christian men, can struggle with. These are some thoughts I have on this. This is for the men, but women could be benefitted by reading.
#1. Ditch pornography.
I hate that I have to say this, but pornography is such a huge problem in the church even with a number of pastors. Get rid of pornography. It won’t do you any good whatsoever. Pornography will just give you a false idea of what women and sex are all about. It will also cheapen your view of women as simply objects for your pleasure, which will include your wife.
Your wife’s naked body should be the most beautiful sight you ever see. For me, this is definitely the case. We’re about to hit eight years and I am still driven wild by the sight of her body. Sure. I’ve seen her body several times. It still never gets old to me. If all I had was the beauty of woman and the joy of sex, I think I would have more than enough evidence that God exists.
A great benefit I have also is I don’t have several other naked women in my head for Allie to compete with. Of course, as a guy, there are other women that can get in one’s head from one’s past and anywhere else, but when it comes to a woman in all her glory, there is only one. Avoiding pornography has been a great benefit.
Also guys, none of you ever want to get to the point where you can’t perform in the bedroom do you? Nah. Of course not. Well if you’re watching porn, it could make it more likely that you will reach that point. That is because more and more of pornography will make real women seem undesirable and they can’t compete. There are men in their 20’s on Viagra right now.
If you want help, get a program on your computer that can help with this, such as Covenant Eyes or XXXChurch. Also, get an accountability partner. A group like Celebrate Recovery can also help you with pornography.
#2. Movies and TV shows are not accurate.
Yeah. I get it. You see that sex scene in that movie or TV show and you think “That’s what I want it to be like someday!” Sorry, but not a single one of those shows is ever accurate! In media, everything works together magically and there are never any problems. No one ever needs lubricant and no one ever needs to put down a towel and undressing one another is always so easily done. Sorry. It’s not realistic.
I’d even warn you guys to not think the first time is going to be the best time ever. It will likely be good, but it won’t be the best. That’s because you’re just getting started. More time together will make lovemaking far better and you will enjoy it more and more. It’s a beautiful circle in fact. You two are more loving to each other which results in more sex which results in you two being more loving which results in more sex which….you get the picture.
#3. Get a mentor.
You’re entering new territory. Do not go it alone. When I was getting ready to marry, I had a number of guys that I was talking to. I remember being at the bowling alley with some friends even and their Dad was a doctor and he was talking to me about the realities of sex while his sons were bowling and we waited for our turn. Find a guy you can trust.
When the night comes, this is something I recommend doing. Before you have your first time together, pray. I hope you’ve waited, but even if you haven’t, ask God to bless your sex life. Thank Him for the gift you are about to receive.
#5. Don’t go straight to the hotel after the wedding.
Okay. We didn’t exactly do this. We had a limo driver and we forgot to tell him to take us to our favorite pizzeria. What to do then? We ordered a pizza and had it delivered to the hotel for us. Why do this? Because you’ve been exhausted quite likely by a wedding all day. Have a good meal together first. You’re about to get a workout in after all. Protein bars can also be good to have.
#6. Do things ASAP. As slow as possible.
So your new bride comes out of the hotel bathroom and she has that lingerie on that she picked out just for you for this night. (And by the way guys, don’t march out of the bathroom naked with a full salute. It’s not appealing to women and you don’t want to miss her undressing you anyway.) She comes over to you with a flirty attitude ready for you to share your love with her. What do you do? Pull that thing off in thirty seconds.
Seriously. There’s no rush. Take your time. You have enough of it. She spent 30 days picking it out for you. Give her some mystery and wonder too. You see guys, we tend to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. All a wife often needs to do is just quickly flash her husband and he’s ready to go. Women aren’t like that. Women have to be emotionally ready beforehand.
If you go slow, you will make your wife feel safe and not like an object. Treasure her. Spend some time luxuriating over her. This is your big moment. Why rush it? Savor every minute of it. I know you want to see what she looks like under that outfit, but you will. Go slow. Let her tell you when she’s ready.
#7. Bring along anything you might need.
You might need a towel, although a hotel will have that. You might need lubricant. Maybe you need a condom. Whatever it is, bring it if you might need it. It is better to have something and not need it than to need something and not have it.
#8. Make sure all this is talked about in advance.
Pre-marital counseling is quite important. Guys and girls have different ideas of how sex should take place and what it will involve. Go to get pre-marital counseling and discuss these first. You can bring too many expectations to the event that will only lead to disappointment if things don’t go perfectly.
#9. Be gentle.
Guys. Your wife’s body is a treasure. Handle it with care. Unless she says she likes something otherwise, be gentle and slow. Remember you’re not the one about to have an object enter into your body. Keep in mind a woman’s first time can involve some pain and even bleeding. (Also, make sure your new wife has gone to have an exam with an OB-GYN beforehand.) Be gentle. Again, move at her pace. If you want to, you can also make her feel more comfortable by things like music and rose petals and such. Be a romantic. They always like that.
#10. Just have fun.
This one might seem odd, but don’t put so much stress on doing sex perfectly that you can’t enjoy it. You two are going to make mistakes. You’re going to have some times together that will be absolutely hysterical because of all the things that go wrong. It’s okay. Laugh. Laugh at yourself. Don’t go in assuming you’re going to be a master in the bedroom. You will need to learn.
And the greatest of these is love. One of the secrets to truly great sex is simply to love the person you’re with. Really love her. Really cherish her. Further in marriage, it’s tempting to do most anything just to get into the bedroom, but never lose sight of love. Be loving even when the bedroom isn’t an option, such as if she’s sick.
This woman loves you so much she gives you something she shouldn’t give anyone else. She makes herself totally vulnerable to you. There is a great joy in seeing your wife when you’re out together and realizing you are the only one who gets to adore her in that exclusive way. Love her greatly, as Christ loved the church.
Speaking of which, if you are a Christian guy who is married, engaged, dating, or just hoping to date or marry, I do have a Facebook group called “As Christ Loved The Church.” Feel free to join in. Just answer the questions and I’ll know you’re okay.
Enjoy your married life guys. I know I am.