Hello everyone and welcome back to Deeper Waters where we are diving into the ocean of truth. I’ve been writing lately on marriage and what has been learned after one year. The last time I wrote, I wrote about sex. I affirmed it as a very good gift of God to which I can picture someone asking “In our modern age, if it’s so good, why wait? What’s the big deal?”
This is a very real question and one that we need to be thinking more about. The temptations are there always even for those of us who are Christians. Being a Christian does not mean that you will never be tempted and if you think that, you are already prone to fall for temptation. When that temptation comes, you will need more than a few verses of Paul. You will in fact need the theology of Paul.
To begin with, sex is not just an action. It entails an action and the action is necessary of course, but it is much much more. In the sexual union, there is a connection with one’s spouse that cannot be expressed in any other way. It is using the deepest action possible to express the deepest commitment we can have between two people.
In fact, we in the Christian church should be pushing this more and more. It is amazing that those outside the church think of sex as “no big deal.” It’s something highly enjoyable, but it’s just something that you do. For us, it is not to be just something we do. It is supposed to be the highest love between humans expressed.
If you walk down the street and see someone you know, and they wave at you, you will take that action to mean something and smile or wave back. If, on the other hand, they extend to you the middle finger, you will be hurt and wonder what it is that you did to offend them. The bodily actions mean something.
So does the action of sex. If this action means something, it is important to find out what it does mean. Note that the marriage is portrayed as a parallel to God and Israel and to Christ and the church. In both cases, God is God and Christ is Christ and in both cases, God and Christ are in the male roles.
The men give their life to the women. They share their life with them and the woman is the one receiving. In the same way, the relationship between God and Israel and Christ and the church end in them implanting their own life into us. While that might seem crude to some readers, we must keep in mind as Christians that we believe that God designed sex. (Yes Christians. Keep that in mind if you have the desire to be prudish. God designed the system and he designed it to be enjoyed as well)
To not wait is to tell someone that you want them to give you all of them without having the protection of a covenant. Now some might say in response to this “Well would you drive a car without taking it for a test-drive?” Fair enough question. To the couple that wishes to ask this, I have but one question in reply.
“Which one of you is the driver and which one of you is the car?”
To do this action, is to put someone’s sexuality on a test and if they don’t measure up sexually, well they’re out. Who can really perform their best when they’re under that kind of pressure? Keep in mind also those of you who are unmarried, as there is an important truth to learn here about sex.
It gets better.
Your first time is not likely to be the best time ever, although no complaints really if it is, but as you and your lover grow used to one another more and more, things get better as you come to know the things that you like and the things that you don’t like. The two of you come to know one another better and how best to please one another.
If you judge the whole by the first time, it’s not really fair. You have yet to get started. (I highly recommend Kevin Leman’s book “Sheet Music” here) Take the time and if you wish, find some good material that will help you to improve your sex life. Keep in mind also that once you’re married, you can do what you want provided it does not shame or harm your spouse.
“Well if you do that, can’t you open you up to….a lot of stuff?”
That’s one of the great blessings of it. No matter how it turns out, you both know that you will wake up next to each other not just the next morning, but every other morning afterwards. You are in a covenant and even if it’s not the best time every time, you can always laugh about it and enjoy it still. (And you will have some times that are better than others)
“Well the person I’m interested in has already agreed to marry me.”
Then you should be willing to wait since you know that you will have that person.
After all, you don’t really know what will happen. I knew someone once who the night before his wedding, he and his bride-to-be were hit by a drunk driver. She died and he was hospitalized. If he’s remarried or not now, I do not know, but I know that if he waited, which I believe he did, he would have no shame before his future wife and could say he saved himself for her.
There are several couples who think they will get married, have sex, and then break apart. It does change the dynamic of the relationship. Having a covenant however helps seal that. As soon as you have the covenant, you know that it will not change as you’re in this until death do you part.
Now waiting is not easy. I recommend that if you’re in a home setting, never have it be just the two of you in the home. Let it be that anyone could come and find you. My parents and in-laws did this for us but were also very respective so we could get some good romantic time that did not involve having sex before we got married.
As much as I recommend husbands and wives pray together, I don’t recommend that for engaged or dating couples if they are physically together. Prayer can be an extremely connecting time and that emotional connection can be followed by a strong desire for the full connection. Don’t risk it at this point. You’ll have plenty of time together.
If you are watching pornographic material right now, stop immediately. This will not help your self-control and in fact will leave ghosts behind that can affect your future marriage. Never mind that Scripture has just a few things to say about lust. Save your desires for your spouse and remember to focus on them. They don’t need to think they are competing against a fake person on a screen.
Do be reading good books on the topic, even before marriage. If you have to, talk to someone you know who you can trust. I found myself talking to men and women both about anything I could in seeking help before my marriage. When it comes to the specifics of sex however, I recommend men talk to men and women to women.
Look forward to what you have coming and be ready to enjoy it and I pray you and your spouse will be able to be in the same position my wife and I are in. We both waited until that night, and we have no regrets about waiting.