Category: Marriage

You’re Not Alone

What is something I want to say to Christian men who have been divorced? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Yesterday, I was interviewed by Sam Sears for his podcast on the topic of divorce as a divorced man myself. After sharing some of my story, we got into how one handles divorce. Towards the end, I thought of one message I wanted to pass on to Christian men who are going through this and don’t want it.

You’re not alone.

Loneliness is one of the biggest problems that Christian men facing divorce go through.

After all. you have been sharing your life with someone and every aspect of it. Marriage is to be the one relationship that you are the most intimate with anyone, sharing even your very body in the most sensitive way possible. You sleep next to each other every night and wake up together and share everything together.

Then it’s gone.

If you’re the man facing it and you didn’t want it also, you’re rejected. For whatever reason, your ex is telling you her life would be better if you weren’t in it. That stings more than you realize.

My DivorceCare leader once told me that everyone who goes through this thinks about suicide at least at one point and he’s right. I know I had fleeting thoughts when I would go to bed and see some bottles of medicine nearby. They were just that, fleeting, but they were there. Sometimes I would get so anxious about the divorce I wondered if I needed to check myself into a hospital. I am on anxiety medication for what I have gone through, which really works wonders.

A guy can be hanging out with his fellow men, but there’s something special about the company of a lady. For me, even if I want to ask someone out, I can still be hesitant. It’s hard to know if someone is really interested in me or not. Not only that, I have issues of trust. Being at a seminary, many people know me who I don’t know and when someone greets me by name and I haven’t got to know them yet, I get suspicious.

Men struggle with pornography often, but I think loneliness makes it worse. If you’re a Christian man, you go from when you can have sexual intimacy with a woman, to where it’s forbidden until you marry again. Pornography can be used by a man to fill that void, but I contend it will only make you feel more lonely. It will stop you from going out and getting the real thing.

Yes, men are primarily highly physical beings, but sex for a man is not just physical. It’s a way of having a woman tell us, “I trust you and respect you this much that I can bare my whole body to you and trust you to come inside of it.” Not only that, but it tells us if she’s eager that she wants us this much and a man really wants to be wanted. A woman who divorces her husband tells him he’s unsafe and he’s undesirable, at least to her, and if this is the woman who has known us best, what else are we to think?

But men, hear this.

You are not alone.

There are plenty of people walking this hell with you that you can turn to. The pain will still be there, but you don’t have to carry it alone. I am thankful I knew another divorced man who walked with me through my divorce. Now I’m the man walking others through it and someday, those will walk others through as well.

I also get it. It sucks, but as another divorced man told me, today sucks. Tomorrow will also suck, but it will suck a little bit less. That’s not a hard and fast rule. Sometimes, there will be fluctuations. There are many times I can still be stuck with sadness thinking about it. You really do spend a lifetime recovering from divorce. It has been hard for me when I see seminary professors and speakers sharing pictures of their families. By all means, they should not stop doing this, but it is still hard for me.

If you’re a man reading this and facing this trial, you’re not alone. Please reach out to me if you need to, but especially reach out to a Christian therapist in your area. Get involved in a DivorceCare near you. You are not alone and you do not need to walk alone.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Anger In Divorce

What are you angry about? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I have come to a conclusion that while I am not an angry person for the most part, I do have some anger towards my divorce. I haven’t wanted to express it and to an extent, that is something good. I don’t need to be doing something destructive. However, I also need to realize that anger itself is okay, which I do know, and I really do have something to be angry about.

After all, I gave ten years of my life to a woman and tried to be as faithful as I could, no matter what I was going through. In the end, I was lied to, told extremely hurtful things, and then accused of being abusive. Fortunately, that last one hasn’t really stuck. There’s too many people who know the great love I demonstrated towards her in our marriage.

As I look at life circumstances, I can think that I am in the spot I am to some extent because of what she did. This wasn’t the best news for me when I was working at Wal-Mart. Now that I’m out on my own again and attending seminary, this is something I am having an easier time accepting. I am genuinely enjoying my time in seminary.

Yet still, every day something happens that reminds me of what I went through. We had a ceremony in our chapel yesterday that had several new professors being introduced. I also had my first classes yesterday and what happens in each of these? Pictures. I don’t fault the professors for showing them. I would do the same thing and they should. They shouldn’t walk on eggshells to make sure I’m not hurt and I need to deal with that myself.

Yet I will state that it is very painful. I look at pictures of a happy couple together and I think that I miss that. I see their children and realize that I am nearing 42 and wonder if I will ever have my own offspring.

I walk on campus and I see couples walking together and I miss getting to walk with her and I wish I had a lady to do that with. I do get some hope though whenever i see a woman who does not have a ring and the women I meet on campus do seem to have an upright character which I greatly admire. Still, I never thought I would be back in the dating game again.

Not only that, divorce can be like a scarlet letter. Wherever you go in ministry, you have to explain your divorce. I have talked to enough people in the Southern Baptist tradition which my seminary is part of who agree with me that yes, we need to handle this better.

Mothers are often the ones who know their sons the best and if you talked to my Mom, she would have told you all my life, what I have wanted is a lady in my life. Picture what that is like when you think you have someone who accepts you, desires you, treasures you, and wants to be with you, and then you are left thinking after years that it is all a lie. You have someone who complains constantly about not being good enough for the people in their life and being rejected and then goes and sends you the exact same message. Divorce is a way of treating me like I’m a punishment to her and she wants nothing to do with me.

In fairness, I do think she said she wanted to be friends somehow, but no. Her priest even told me not to go that route. You don’t get to call me abusive, rip my heart out, and then say “But we can be friends.” That’s all painful.

As I think about other girls, I wonder what will happen when I tell them I’m divorced. Will they see me differently? When I tell them someday that I was accused of being abusive, will they somewhere wonder if I’m a really good actor hiding a secret abusive life? Honestly, why shouldn’t they? Look at someone like Ravi Zacharias who greatly managed to conceal a double-life.

Divorce is something that really needs to be understood better. It is in some ways an act of murder as it takes the two that became one and kills that. I am not saying divorce is always wrong, but in my case, it was. I fought tooth and nail to save my own marriage even when it was being very difficult for me. I made a promise to God and I was trusting that my faithfulness would be honored and that if we stuck through the hard times, much better times would come.

Right now, I am learning to accept the anger as it comes. Sometimes, that’s anger towards God. I know He didn’t do wrong, but if you read Scripture, you will see plenty of times His own got angry with Him. Jeremiah had the guts to tell God that He had deceived him and that he was deceived. We can often read how in Islam Allah is the greatest of deceivers. At one time, that’s how Jeremiah saw God.

I think this is important to do also because it would be foolish to deny that there is no anger there. God knows it. I might as well be honest. I know God has done no wrong, but I still am not happy with how things were done. I wonder why He let me get in this relationship if He knew the hardship and pain that would result. Yes. I know the story isn’t over, but we have all been in places where we wonder why God is doing what He is doing. If we call God a counselor, but we think we can’t be honest with Him, isn’t it more of a statement of distrust in God?

It’s also easy to serve God when you think that you have all the benefits, which in my case include a spouse. What does it reveal when you wonder what on Earth God is doing in your life, and yet you strive to serve Him anyway? This is what I choose to do. I have nowhere else to go after all. I have to believe in His goodness.

I don’t want anyone to think I am a constant ball of rage. I am not. If anything, I have far more sadness than rage. When I think about her, it can be tempting to want some kind of revenge, but I also realize that won’t help in the end. Why should I feel better that another person is suffering? True justice is one thing. Pure revenge is another. We can want justice, but we also must remember that Scripture says if we celebrate when our enemy falls, and in some sense she has become that sadly, then God will turn from them and focus on us. There but for the grace of God go I.

As I continue through seminary, I hope that I will also find more healing in the work that I am doing and in the relationships I am making. I am always happy to find friends here and an environment where I belong. When I walked at Wal-Mart, one of the main tunes I would sometimes hum was the theme to Final Fantasy IX called “A Place To Call Home.” I happen to love living in New Orleans, aside from the driving which is atrocious, but I don’t have to do thankfully since even the Wal-Mart is right next door to the seminary. I am working on getting more and more of the income I need through Patreon and other means to finish my education, which I think I can get my Master’s in less than two years.

Still, be praying for me in all of this. I have many goals I want to accomplish in seminary and I hope it to be a beneficial time and I can be a recipient student and learn all that I can. At the same time, I hope to establish good relationships, and especially one with a lady who wants to serve God as well.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Thoughts On Love On The Spectrum

What do I think of this Netflix series? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

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This is about the American version of the show. In it, we meet six people who are on the spectrum and all are trying to find love. A benefit I want to point out right off on this show is that it is family-friendly. I do not remember seeing any sex or nudity at all, nor do I think it is even mentioned.

There are three men and three women on the show and all have various degrees of being on the spectrum with how much they can function, although it looks like a lot of them do have people who work with them whether they be professionals or family members. You also meet specialists like Jennifer Cook who advises the people wanting to find love. The show shows these people going out and trying to get dates and going on dates.

I don’t know how much of this was genuinely shot accurately or was a recreation somehow. It’s hard to picture a speed dating event with someone coming to the table to speak to the autistic person and being told “Pay no attention to the cameras!” There were some moments I also hoped were not being filmed genuinely. It’s bad enough for a guy when he gets dumped be it on the phone or in person. Imagine that instead being put in a series where everyone can see it happen.

As someone on the spectrum myself, I found the series hopeful in many ways. I consider myself to be very high-functioning. After all, as I write this, I am living on my own in a seminary 10 hours away from my parents in a state that doesn’t even border them and I am making it. (Patreon below if you want to help me keep making it.) The other great goal I have personally besides my education at this point is finding another woman. I am the one who has been married and I definitely want to find someone again who wants to be treasured.

The people are also of various ages as well. I don’t know if any of them were Christian and if so, they didn’t state it explicitly. That would be nice, but people finding love are people finding love regardless. All of them are out there wanting to meet someone special.

Something you learn as well watching this if you are an outsider to the spectrum is that on the spectrum, we are vastly different, but we are also like everyone else. We want to be loved and treasured and we want someone to spend time with. It might surprise some people when I am usually a loner for the most part to know I want that as well. I definitely do. There is something I miss about the companionship that comes with having a wife.

If you are on the spectrum, you need to watch this series. If you know someone who is on the spectrum, you need to watch this series. If you are dating someone who is on the spectrum, I also encourage watching this series. It’s really great to see that people are studying more and more about a real condition and how we can interact together.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Book Plunge: Live Not By Lies

What do I think of Rod Dreher’s book published by Sentinel? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Dreher’s book is asking the question of what Christians in the West are meant to do in an age of increasing totalitarianism. Now this does not mean anything like what happens today in China or what happened in the Gulag, but it could be likely to happen in the form of a soft totalitarianism where control comes through social means more than government means. As I write this though, it is about a week after the raid of Trump’s place in Florida and a lot of questions are being raised.

The theme of the book comes from Alexander Solzhenitsyn who said that one thing we have to do is even if we don’t go out with a megahorn shouting the truth everywhere, we can choose to not believe the lies. For us today, these lies are being placed on us regularly by a culture calling into question truths we never would have dreamed being called into question a few years ago and too many people go along for the ride easily. I was stunned enough when I realized I had to defend that marriage is a union of a man and a woman. Today, I have to defend the idea of what a man and a woman is. We have a woman sitting on the Supreme Court who couldn’t answer the question of what a woman is.

More and more, if you disagree with this ideology, you can be shut down. How many people do we know who have been removed from Twitter because of this? How often have we seen cancel culture dig up something someone said ten years ago and shut them down because of it? Keep in mind that before these people were culturally on top, they also insisted on tolerance. That didn’t last long.

Dreher’s book looks at people who went through the rise of Communism and survived in countries where it was. Their examples are often powerful and convicting. These aren’t superhuman people. These are simple ordinary people who did something unique. They lived out their faith in a world where it was condemned.

The repeated advice in the book is to see, judge, and act. Christianity when lived out can overcome any evil that is brought to bear against it. As our country comes closer and closer to more and more government control and government going in a war against reality, this is something we should all keep in mind.

Governments can push control in many ways, but we are in control of our minds and our attitudes. We can make it a point to say that we will live not by lies. We will choose to live the path that Jesus lived.

If I had any criticism of the book, it would be that the book is long on examples, but not long on suggestions. This is how people lived in hard totalitarianism, but I would have liked more that could be done by those of us in a soft totalitarianism or at least a growing one. I recommend Christians read this one and read it along side either Strange New World or The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self by Carl Trueman.

And live not by lies.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Book Plunge: The Flirtation Experiment

What do I think of Phylicia Masonheimer and Lisa Jacobson’s book published by Thomas Nelson? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I try to read books about marriage despite being divorced. If anything, I read to get help for when my second marriage comes about, Lord willing and may He be. I read books written for wives, for husbands, and for both. This is a book written for wives.

Thinking back on it, I know authors don’t get to choose the names of their books often, but I think a better name might be The Connection Experiment. After all, when you see a book by women called The Flirtation Experiment and see fireworks on the cover going off, I suspect it’s going to be about buying outfits at Victoria’s Secret, jumping into a shower with your husband, and all manner of physical activities which is what a guy usually has in mind when he thinks about flirting.

That’s not to say the material in here is bad. It’s not. It’s really good. It just isn’t what I was expecting. So looking at the good, these are wives who have decided to invest in their husbands, which is also a plus since usually things are always assumed to be the husband’s fault when many times, it takes two.

There are thirty chapters which means you are meant to go through this book in a month’s time, sort of like a shortened version of The Respect Dare. Both women write fifteen chapters which means they go back and forth between themselves. Each chapter is built on a one-word concept and expounded on and could be read in ten minutes max.

The authors also really open up explaining about difficulties that they have had and about how they worked with their respective husbands. Sometimes, the husbands have a brief sidenote where they will write something and these were always a bonus to read. I kept hoping that there would have been one in every chapter.

All of these are built largely on forming an emotional connection with one’s spouse. Thinking about that, that will work for the men and women because the men tend to think about physical connection and when a woman feels emotionally connected, physical connection is a lot easier for them. It also helps that the women take the initiative in this since frankly, many of us guys don’t really know what to do when it comes to emotional connection.

One amusing part I found was in one of Phylicia’s chapters where she thought God was telling her He wanted her to play video games with her husband, so they played some Mario Party. I know I would be thrilled to marry a woman who wanted to play games with me. I remember hearing a story of a husband who really wanted his wife to go hunting with him and so one day she agreed and they went and sat in the same place all day and absolutely nothing happened. No game came out at all to shoot at.

How did the husband take it? He left saying it was awesome. I can guarantee you then that wife never said, “This is stupid! It’s a waste of time! We could be doing something else!” She just sat there quietly the whole time and he treasured that silent time with her as she participated in his hobby.

And yes, I do realize this needs to be a two-way street, but this is a book for wives so I’m mainly talking to them.

Every marriage can always have room for improvement. I recommend this one for the women out there. Get it and see how it works for you. Husbands can also look through and say what would and would not appeal to them.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth.)

Of Marriages And Diets

Is this a valid reason to abandon marriage? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

As I was writing yesterday’s blogpost, I had a number of people tag me on Facebook and ask “What do you think of this?” and this was the very picture I was writing about. Today, I’d like to tackle another one that has been making the rounds. It’s another one that sadly convinces me those on the left in this debate really don’t bother to listen to what their opponents say.

First off, the opening claim is just false. Even if you are a skeptic, it should be easy to accept that a redefined marriage of two men or two women is against someone else’s religion is a fact. That doesn’t say anything about the emotional state of the person who holds that religion. The anger is already imposed. (This happens all too often as those of us who are conservative are often accused of having hate towards the other side.)

I don’t go to bed at night steaming about homosexual couples. The issue matters to me, but I have many other things to think about. It’s on the other side unfortunately that if we are told we don’t agree, well here come the hounds out to shut down our businesses and demand our freedom to operate be taken away.

That’s only the start of the problem.

The majority of the real argumentation on the right is not going “The Bible says X, therefore Y should be forbidden.” Most of us are making arguments based on the nature of marriage and a natural law understanding of marriage. Yes. I am sure Pastor Bob down at the local Southern Baptist Church is getting up in the pulpit screaming about what the Bible says and doesn’t have a clue about these natural law arguments, but note I stated the real argumentation. I am not against the Bible, but if one side doesn’t believe it, it has no authority for them, at least in the sense that it doesn’t change their thinking.

Ultimately, when I have seen this debated online, it comes down to what a marriage is. It has always before been understood as two adults of the opposite sex coming together in a union generally with the goal of bringing about and raising children. Now we are told that it doesn’t matter what two consenting adults do.

But why should this be the case?

First off, consider the case of Armin Meiwes. He was a cannibal who was convicted for eating someone. Here’s the relevant part. This person wanted to be eaten. He fully consented to everything. Thus, we have an action between two consenting adults. To make this wrong, you will need another qualifier then. Two consenting adults is not sufficient.

Second, what exactly is an adult? In Biblical times, as was much of the world back then, as soon as the kids hit puberty, it was time to marry them off to someone else. Teenagers in the past would be forming families. Today, having a relationship with a teenager can get you hit with a statutory rape charge. There is nothing magical about the age of 18 that makes someone an adult. We’ve all known adults well over 18 who are essentially children and we’ve all known children younger than 18 who have been forced through circumstances to grow up early and practically function as adults. Also, consider how many children who commit crimes can be tried as adults.

Consent is also not good enough. This is supposed to protect it from applying to children as well, but we constantly make children do things without their consent that is for their good. They go to school, do chores, go to bed, eat healthy, and get vaccinations and medical treatment they don’t like, without their consent. Loving parents who genuinely love their children do this.

Third, we might as well ask about the number two. Why should marriage be limited to two people? The Mormons held to polygamy for some time and were brought before the government for that one. If we are removing the requirement that the people be of the opposite sex, it would be far easier to remove the number. Not only that, there is a much greater historical basis for polygamy than for the redefinition of marriage.

What is being asked is what marriage is and what is the purpose of it. It is not just a union for the happiness of two adults. It is a nation building institution in the sense that these people are the ones capable of bringing about the next generation. The state has all reason to want to promote that as it kind of needs new people to survive. Hypothetically, imagine how much damage we could do to China and Russia if we could launch a biological attack somehow over those entire nations that would sterilize everyone in those nations.

And if marriage is about the continuing of the species, then the state has an interest in promoting the type of union that can do that job. The state has no interest in promoting a same-sex couple as they can never do that. Marriage is not to be meant about the affirming of the people involved, but why the people are coming together in the first place.

Now suppose someone says “Well, Christians can really say that these are the reasons, but we know the real reason is what the Bible says!” Let’s suppose 100% that that’s true for the sake of argument. That doesn’t change the fact that the natural law based arguments are on the table. Those still have to be addressed.

Suppose someone makes a powerful argument to me for atheism and I don’t know how to answer it. It does not work to say, “You only make that argument because you want to be free to live your life sexually however you want.” That could even be 100% true. I am sure there are Christians who hold to Christianity just for the benefits they want to receive and I am sure there are some atheists who hold to atheism because of the sexual freedom.

The argument still has to be addressed.

This meme is not addressing any real arguments. It is not even making one. It is just pointing to motives and trying to read emotions into the other side.

It’s a shame so much has to be written to deal with something because so many do take it seriously.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Remembering the Sacred

Is nothing sacred? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Yesterday, I wrote about recognizing marriage as a sacred calling. As I wrote out those words, I thought about that. What is the sacred in our society? Do we have a place for it anymore?

In his book The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self, Trueman writes about first, second, and third world cultures. First-world cultures put the ideas on how we should live on notions of fate or the gods. They’re not built on anything ultimate in a sense, but they are great and outside of us and we ought to follow them. The gods say it so whatever their reasons, you must obey.

Second-world cultures are those that do base the ideas in one transcendent God who can to some extent be known. Christianity presents such a culture. It’s not just “The God says so” which would be sufficient in itself, but also here is why the God says so and here are the reasons and God can enforce His rules.

Third-world cultures are like what America is in now. Everything is rooted in the secular. There is nothing outside of ourselves that morality is grounded in. It is all built on secularism.

What that also means is nothing outside enforces us. We have to enforce it. That also means there is no longer anything transcendent and lasting. Ultimately, it is moral relativism, but there is a who says going on in this culture. Who says? Whoever is in charge says. That’s who.

Consider our recent Supreme Court scenarios. Under this kind of ideology, the voice of the people is in some ways the voice of God. If the Court says abortion is allowable, then that is that. The case has spoken. The court is closed. Likewise if it says it’s going to stay out of it. Whatever side you take, I hope the problem is apparent. It’s the saying that a government that is big enough to give you rights is also big enough to take them away.

That’s why in America, our founding document is a second-world document. It roots our rights in a creator. The government doesn’t give us these rights. It recognizes these rights. It also cannot take away these rights.

However, if we remove that, then the only way to enforce the powers of the third-world and whoever is in charge is, well, power. Force will have to be used. The more secular a culture is, the more likely it will use this kind of force to control its citizens.

In looking at marriage also, we have lost the sacred. Marriage used to be a sacred calling where the two made a commitment. Now we have cheapened most everything about marriage. In the past, it would have been that if a man wanted to see a woman in all of her glory, he really needed to work a lot and prove he was a man and show the girl he was worth marrying and he would be treated on their wedding night, and hopefully, she would be as well.

Now? Nope. All you have to do is browse the internet for a few seconds and look at porn. If anything diminishes a human being, it is pornography, both the viewed and the viewer diminish one another in this. Internet pornography is one of the most destructive forces in our world today. It is a cheapening of the good gift of humanity and sexuality and turns women especially into objects to be consumed. If women truly wanted to fight the patriarchy, they would take a stand against internet pornography, abortion, and anything else that makes a man give them anything less than a lifetime commitment.

It’s honestly hard to think of anything our world holds as sacred. In a sense, we treat sexuality like the highest good, making it an aspect of your highest identity and if you haven’t had sex, there’s something wrong with you. How else is just a movie title like The Forty Year-old Virgin possible? At the same time, we treat it as simply a recreational activity and say casual sex is no big deal. It’s hard to think of how you can have it both ways. In a Christian worldview, you understand that sex is an aspect of something much bigger. It is indeed part of your identity, in that you are male or female and nothing can ever change that, and as an activity, it is an intimate one that is reserved for the most intimate of relationships.

One aspect of saving our culture is going to have to be the recovery of the sacred. Right now, we live in a culture of power plays and whoever is in charge has the power to enforce what they want and it will shift back and forth constantly as long as we have nothing outside of ourselves to ground it in. Hear this. You cannot be a true moral reformer if you hold to third-world principles of morality. It takes a second-worlder who says “No. This is something greater than us regardless of what the culture says.” You cannot stand up against slavery, Nazism, or any other evil and be a part of a third-world culture truly for you are just going with what you want for whatever reason and as soon as the other side gets more power, they can change that immediately and what standard can be pointed to beyond men to say “This is wrong.”?

Right now, our culture is on a suicide path. Those of us who are Christians and see the danger should be raising the warning alarms and crying out that something must change. We must be the Ezekiel watchman or else God will hold us accountable for not speaking up. When men forget God, what happens is chaos and some men become god for their culture. Nietzsche recognized this and lamented it knowing it would lead to chaos. He was indeed right. Nietzsche recognized the seriousness of the idea of the death of God and would think most atheists today are gutless embarrassments.

The rest of us. Stand strong. Everyday, build up the sacred in your own life and demonstrate it to the world. Remember Lewis also said that outside of the sacrament (And he said this as a Protestant) the most holy sight you see will be your neighbor. It all starts with how you treat him.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Moments of Sadness

When does sadness hit in a divorce? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I can only speak for myself in this as different people have different emotional experiences, but I can say with the divorce that when the news hit, I was devastated, as you can imagine. When I had to leave my apartment and go back to my parents’ house, it was hard to hold it together. I was thankful I had a friend come by as well who was able to be with me and had also been divorced.

For the most part nowadays, I do okay, but there are still times of sadness. It can hit me and momentarily I want to weep a little bit and maybe have some light sniffles, but then I move on. Sadness doesn’t dominate, but it is always hanging in the background waiting. Fortunately, when I’m at home, for the most part, I am okay. Sometimes I’m not. It’s usually when I’m doing day-to-day things like getting a shower or brushing my teeth or getting into bed.

And yes, sleeping at night is definitely different. I used to share it with someone else. As I live here, I even sleep in a bed that when we visited, we slept in together. Now it’s just me alone. I also wonder if I will always be rejected at that point. That’s for another post.

Being at work is one of the worst places for me to be. My mind is not challenged at all and a crowd can be one of the loneliest places in the world. When my mind has nothing to keep me occupied, then I am prone to do things like introspect and to dwell on the past and neither is a good thing to do. It doesn’t help that a lot of other people say and do things that remind me of my ex.

When I am filling out an online survey for whatever reason and I am asked my marital status, I always wish they could skip that question. I have to hit every time that I am divorced. I despise it. I have always wanted to succeed at whatever I do and it’s hard to not look at this divorce as a personal failure. Yes. She was the one who left, but could I have done anything different to change that?

Things do get better over time, but I know divorce really affects you for a lifetime. My own DivorceCare leader who was divorced many years ago and is now very happily remarried says that every now and then he still uncovers an old wound that needs to heal. I had often said that it would be easier to lose my entire library than to lose her. Now I see that that was true.

Now I realize some people do say I am better off and that could be right, but that doesn’t change the fact that it still does hurt. Still, I write because I sincerely hope that just one thing I say could help someone else, and there are people who do contact me and thank me for these writings and that’s always beneficial. Not only that, but it’s healing for me as I get to let it out. I sincerely don’t want to see anyone walk down this road if it can be avoided. I do realize sometimes divorce is necessary, such as in the case of abuse, but even then it is a tragedy that a promise got to that point.

Build up your marriage today. Our church talks about the danger and evil of redefining marriage. That really started with no-fault divorce and removing the idea of a promise easily. If we want to change the way marriage is treated, we need to change the way we treat it and live it out as a sacred calling.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

 

Truth or Happiness

Do we want to live true lives or happy lives? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Recently, I wrote about reading James Rebel Jamias’s book, which I did enjoy, and one idea that stuck with me on there was something that I have recently concluded. Our culture consists of people who care about happiness more than they care about truth. Aristotle began his Metaphysics by saying all men by nature desire to know. Today, the modern equivalent would say that all men by nature desire to feel.

We can all relate to this on some level. There have been times all of us have had something that we want to avoid being true because of the pain that we will feel, a state we call denial. My first major encounter with death was a sunday school teacher who I had a close relationship with. To this day, I can still remember being at the church for his funeral service and thinking, “This still has to be a joke. He’s going to jump up and tell everyone the truth soon. He has to.”

Sometimes, this can even be lethal. How many people have avoided going to a doctor because they think they might have a condition and they don’t want to hear that they have it? In reality, they do and it goes untreated and it becomes something untreatable and fatal when if it had been caught early, it could have been treated.

This also has severe moral consequences. With marriage, which I have been writing on, how many people are entering into marriage and doing so because the goal is that marriage is meant to make them happy? It is all about them. Now don’t get me wrong on something. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and there is nothing wrong with wanting a good for yourself in marriage, but it’s not just about you.

Hence, too often when the feeling fades, which it will, we think the marriage has faded and it’s time to move on. It’s not about a greater commitment to something beyond ourselves. Instead, it’s about what is expedient for us at the moment. When divorce is too easy an option, it is the option that will most often be chosen.

In many of the daily lives of people today, it’s not often asked “What is the good thing to do here?” Instead, we are asking what will bring us the most happiness at the moment. When was the last time you heard someone talking seriously about virtue?

Is our Christian community any different in the West? Hardly. If anything, most of our emphasis seems to be on how we feel in our relationship to God. If we feel good, yay! Christianity is true and God is real and we want to worship and praise! If we don’t, then Christianity could be false and God might not exist, but if He does exist, He hates us, and why bother with worship and praise?

In reality, a Christian life is supposed to have all of these. You are not meant to be happy in all of your Christian walk. Jesus wasn’t and it’s the height of arrogance to think we should have something that Jesus never did. Jesus was sad sometimes. Jesus was also happy, but if we look at Isaiah 53, Jesus was a man of sorrows, familiar with suffering.

This is not to say bad feelings and emotions don’t matter. It’s not to say that for chronic problems you shouldn’t consider therapy and possibly in addition medication. With my divorce, I have both going on. Definitely if you are experiencing strong suicidal feelings, get help right away.

One great hope for our culture is when we all strive to be people of truth. In our religious debates, it’s easy to claim the other side is going with emotions. There are emotional benefits to each side. If you’re a Christian, you can claim you will get to live forever and that you will see loved ones and never die and spend eternity in a place of joy and happiness. I think even a lot of atheists would like for something like that to be true.

On the other hand, a Christian can say an atheist has reasons for them to not want God to be real. One big reason could be a life of sexual liberty in that you get to pursue sexual happiness and do what you want in that area. Another could be one doesn’t want to live under the authority of God. One could also not want to believe in something the rest of their social group will consider foolish. There are many more on both sides we can think of.

Also, in both groups, there are sadly people who don’t really care about truth and don’t want it. These are people who only read what agrees with them and base their arguments for their position on how they feel about something. The first question we should ask about Christianity is not if it makes us feel good or if we like it or if it’s beneficial to society. The first question we should ask is “Is it true?” If it is, then we should believe it even if all the other questions are answered no. If it isn’t true, then we shouldn’t believe it even if all the other questions are answered yes.

It is my hope that we can begin working more on a truth quest instead. Our emotional quests are more often centered on looking within and finding something for ourselves. When we look for truth, we are looking for something outside of ourselves and what we can submit to and ultimately, what we can live our lives based on.

It’s up to you which you choose.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Thinking About Your Ex

How do you think about your ex in divorce? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Had we lasted, yesterday would have been our 12th anniversary. As I have said, I think about this every day. Divorce leaves a big hole in your life and intense pain. Some have said divorce is worse than death, and it makes sense because divorce is a kind of murder in a sense. If the two become one flesh, then what happens if one of the two leaves? It is as if a person, the unified two, has died. Being widowed is a natural death. Being divorced wrongfully would be like murder in that sense.

So how do you handle it? What happens when you think about them, as you inevitably will?

I have a therapist that I talk to on a weekly basis and some time every week he will ask me if I have heard anything about her. We will talk some about how we think she’s doing and our hopes for her.

It is easy to be angry at what she did. I could even easily say that is justified. I was wronged and I was accused of something horrible that there is no basis for. However, I must remember that anger is towards the actions. It is not towards her.

You could say I could be angry at her, and no doubt, I sometimes am, but what good does it do me? I do in some sense know I want some justice. I want it to be shown sometime that I am innocent, but at the same time, I am careful about even that. It can be easy to think about standing before the throne and hearing that I was wronged, but at the same time, I hesitate to think about that because I wonder about judgment on her.

Habakkuk prayed that in wrath, remember mercy.

I honestly pray every night for my ex. I pray for her blessing in life and for her to find joy. I pray for God to become a great reality to her. I don’t want ill for her and any time I see that rising up in me, I give it to the Lord. I realize that temptation is there, but I am not God and I know I have my own sins to be accounted for.

Keep in mind I am not claiming I was a perfect husband, but I will deny that I was an abusive one. To this day, when people tell me that I loved her intensely, I always remind them that it’s not past tense. If anything, it’s a powerful reminder of the love of God.

How can you have love towards someone who has hurt you more than anyone else ever has and wronged you more than anyone else ever has? The same way that God does towards us. (No. I am not claiming we hurt God, but it is analogous.) If God loves me despite everything I have done, then how can I not show love towards her? I can’t do that in in-person actions of course, but I can in my own attitude towards her. I can watch how I speak about her to others.

One thing I have stressed repeatedly is the last thing I want someone to do is to go after her. If anyone does that, they are not doing me any favors. You don’t make things better for me by hurting her.

I also have at the same time refused to let her rejection of me control my life. It hurts and it hurts every single day, but I choose to get up and live and not stay defeated. Sure, I notice some changes, like I am more hesitant to trust people and rejection stings all the more now, but that is stuff that I have to work on myself.

I also realize some of you will struggle much more with this. Some of you have exes who did a much more serious wrong to you than mine did. Some of you have children who might have suffered at the hands of an ex and some of you might need restraining orders even against exes. I am not claiming it is easy. I am saying that holding on to hostility won’t make it better.

The focus I have now is realizing that God forgives me and loves me so I ought to have that mindset towards others. It does no good to hold on to pain and hurt towards another. That can require a lot of time and therapy to get there, but I think if we are working on that, God honors the process and knows our goal.

I have no reason to delight in the thought of her suffering. That would show nothing about her, but it would show a lot about me. She is someone Jesus Christ loves and died for and I should try to treat her in my own heart the same way.

It’s a struggle and I do seek your prayers in this as I work on it more and more and recover more and more from what has happened.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)