Tag: marriage

PornHub Under Scrutiny

What is going on with the industry? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Of all places, even the New York Times has apparently had an article against PornHub. The charge is that the site is infested with rape videos. There looks to be no denial by PornHub that this has happened. Of course, this would be a very tough denial to pull off. Just last year, a missing teenager was found when sexually explicit videos of her showed up on the site.

What do these changes mean? Not much I suspect sadly. A number of things could happen here. Maybe they won’t be held up. Maybe instead people will find work arounds to get such material up there as you can’t go to each person in each video and just ask and even if you could, many could know they have to lie. If it leads to the site shutting down due to competition, then it could very well be because the competition is even worse and doesn’t have any censoring of any kind.

The only cause for rejoicing here is that even in the secular world now, a closer look in the proper way is being given to the porn industry. Unfortunately, even then one wonders how effective it will be. With so many men in the world participating in the industry even if only consumers, getting information against it is going to be difficult.

The danger of people going to other sites also is very real, especially since these sites could allow for rape videos. In the porn industry, what is needed from consumers often is novelty. Something new is needed that hasn’t been seen before and like any drug, when the prior dosage isn’t enough, a new high must be hit.

The real danger is to the women involved. Our culture has reached a point where women really are giving sex more and more to get love. This is one reason I don’t have an account on SnapChat. I know the stories of women sending topless pictures of themselves and I want no part of that. It’s not because of any lack of desire for female beauty on my part, but because I think such is reserved for the marriage covenant.

Also, many women do find themselves in the human trafficking industry. I recommend books like Rebecca Bender’s In Pursuit of Love or Annie Lobert’s Fallen. Their stories of how they fell in in ways that seemed innocent enough at the start and how they managed to escape are gripping.

Josh McDowell has said the porn industry is the greatest foe the church has ever faced. He could very well be right. This is because it is a great depression on our values and our view of men and women and sex and thus, the building block of society, the family. Our young people are the hardest hit with many women who might not even watch porn thinking they have to do more and more to please their men and it usually being assumed that the young man is watching pornography.

I can’t tell the future of what will happen, naturally, but I do encourage Christians to start acting now. Parents are the first stage with learning how to talk to their children about sex and that will be different for boys and girls. The next stage is going to be the churches where pastors actually need to do sermons on porn and make places accessible for men and women affected by the industry in any way to seek recovery. Beyond that it will be contacting your state representatives and asking them to do something about the porn industry.

We can all change matters if we do something.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Book Plunge: Boys and Sex

What do I think of Peggy Orenstein’s book published by Harper? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

I’m convinced that today, there is a war on boys. Much of our society is geared towards the feminine and traits considered manly are often looked down on. Consider something as simple even as how schools are run. Girls often have a much easier time sitting at desks for prolonged times. Boys tend to need to be more active.

We have terms like Toxic Masculinity going around and then there is the MeToo movement, which I suspect had noble aspirations, but quickly became a way to get any man in trouble. Men are also put in a dangerous position when it comes to female beauty. Compliment a woman on her beauty and you are objectifying her. Say nothing about it and you are ignoring her.

Peggy Orenstein decided to study the topic when it comes to sex and boys and her boys she interviewed were mainly high school and college age. A lot of what she saw dealt with the hook-up culture and pornography. How do guys view this and how does that differ from girls?

This is also written from a secular perspective so much I will not agree with upfront such as not being favorable towards abstinence only positions and support for the LGBTQ community. Despite that, this book is quite insightful. Any parent should read it, even if you don’t have boys but have daughters instead, so you can know what is coming.

It also highlights for me that this is an area we are deeply lacking in. Most people today hardly ever think about sex. Yes. I seriously said that. They don’t. But don’t I watch TV or listen to the news or listen to music today? How am I missing it?

Easy. We talk about it. We dream about it and fantasize about it and watch it and just plain do it, but we don’t think about it. Most of us don’t have a place in our worldview for sex. It’s just a recreational thing that we do together.

So it is that boys and girls think very differently about sex. Porn was one of the first topics covered for boys. It is extremely rare to find a man like me who never struggled with that. The result? Our boys grow up with a twisted view of sex. They think they have to perform a certain way and can often have sexual problems as a result. They can also think all girls really want it and when they say no, they don’t really mean that. They just want the boys to push harder.

Some boys had even gone so far as to get a flip phone to be able to avoid porn. Pornography is controlling so much of the thinking in society about sex today. It’s no wonder there’s so much chaos in this topic and young boys need to be prepared for this. Of course, I’m listening to this and wondering “Why not realize that the boys aren’t the problem, but the porn is?”

Boys also worry about experience like I said. They can get nervous when with a girl for the first time and they think it’s going to happen. What if the girl has more experience and the guy is unprepared? What if he makes a mistake? (News flash guys. You likely will with your first time.) Some guys are either hesitant to perform or can’t.

There is another problem behind this. Guys are trained to not talk about feelings or emotions or express them. For me, I think of a guy like Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII who shows no emotion even when tragedy strikes repeatedly. Men who show emotion or weakness are told to man up. Most men don’t go to their guy friends to talk about problems because that’s not something guys do. (Again, thankful I have guys I can talk to about problems.)

There’s also a section on how guys can also be victimized. Yes. At parties where guys get drunk, they can be victimized by girls and many of them don’t like it, but how are you going to speak out? Your guy friends will say something like, “Dude. You got laid anyway. Why complain?” They do complain because believe it or not, many guys want sex to be special.

Also, a guy can’t help it if his body responds to sexual stimuli just like a girl can’t help it if hers does. A girl can have reactions to sexual stimuli even in rape. That doesn’t mean she likes it or wants it. A man does not need to be shamed for his body functioning. As someone told me recently, “If you’re a man on the beach and a pretty girl goes in front of you in a bikini and you don’t notice, it doesn’t mean you’re more spiritual. It means you’re dead.”

However, guys too often are doing the assaulting. They are too often of the mindset that the women really want it when they don’t. Of course, a lot of this talk about the necessity of consent could be greatly lowered if we would just encourage people to wait until marriage, but for some reason that’s unrealistic. Guys can cause great damage to girls without realizing it or intending it.

One great takeaway from the book also is contrary to what you think, guys want older men, including their Dads, to talk to them about sex. They also want a real conversation. They don’t want a quick five minute event and that’s it. There should be regular ongoing communication.

What I would like to see more in future works is what sex means really to guys. As a married man, I know what it means to me. It is more than just a recreational activity and more even than just having children. Guys need to understand this. Of course, girls do as well, but this book is about the boys.

I said at the start that while the book is secular, I think parents should read this, including Christian parents. Girls even should read this to learn about what you’re going to be experiencing. Christian parents especially need to read about the hook-up culture and the damage that it is doing to our children.

Dare I say it, but churches need to be talking about this too. Youth groups especially should be preparing our young adults for adult life and marriage if they choose to go that route. By all means teach abstinence, but teach why we do that instead of just the don’ts. Give youth a whole worldview of sex so that when they’re with their significant other on a couch, they have more than just a few verses in Paul to keep them from getting their game on.

Bottom line. Read this book and learn from it.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Book Plunge: Passion Principles

What do I think of Shannon Ethridge’s book published by Thomas Nelson? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Usually when I find any book on marriage on Kindle for sale, I try to get it immediately. This one was no exception. Ethridge’s book is geared more towards women, but men who read it will find it very helpful as well.

Ethridge wants women to have the freedom to enjoy sex in marriage. At the start, a lot of stories are told about women who struggle with this and then stories are told about women who have found freedom. It is not the case that sex is made just for the man. Women are meant to take joy in physical union with their husbands.

Of course, it starts with God. Ethridge lays down the theology first saying sex was all God’s idea. He created it and made it the way it is for married couples and to show how He relates to His people. She looks at the Old Testament first focusing on the Song of Songs and Hosea.

From there, we go to the New Testament. Here we look at what Jesus has to say about sex and how sex relates to spirituality. She also asks the question about if sex will be in Heaven. There is no chapter explicitly on Paul which I would have liked, but that doesn’t mean he’s not covered at all.

Many chapters from there start to have a shift as much more is not so much about the physicality of sex as it is the emotional, mental, and spiritual side. It is still something worthwhile to be covered as Ethridge places more of the therapist hat on, including dealing with people who have a sexual past and people who have affairs either physical or emotional on their spouses. There is also material on overcoming pornography and why Christians should not use pornography.

Towards the end, we get back more into the physical side with questions about the bodies of the persons involved. What can you do or not do in the bedroom? What about oral sex or sex toys? What about when you have children?

This is a good book for women to read and I urge them to do so, although men will get something out of it as well. Your marriage is meant to be a place of joy and as is your marriage bed. If you want good advice to get there, this book is a great place to start.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Book Plunge: God Virus Part 4

What is the big deal with sex? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

As we continue this book, we get a chapter solely dedicated to sex. This isn’t really a shock as we are talking with a psychologist here and many issues that come up in therapy have to do with sex. Not only that, a number of criticisms here I will agree with.

For instance, the purity culture has placed too much of an emphasis where it shouldn’t. It has this idea that you need to stay pure until marriage. What? Does having sex make you dirty so that once you marry and, assuming you’ve waited, do the deed, then you’ve lost your purity?

Ray also says that we have a problem with sex for pleasure. I think I can easily state that will be a shock to a lot of evangelicals that I know. There’s a reason that God made it fun. This is not to deny the procreative purpose to it, but when a couple is older in years for example and can’t have children, there is still pleasure and intimacy.

There’s also statements about the family and how Christians seek to only marry Christians normally for the sake of the virus. Actually, it’s more that if you’re a Christian, Jesus Christ is supposed to be the most important person in your life. How can you say that He is if you are willing to be with someone who says Jesus Christ is not as important?

The family is also vastly important to us as it’s the building block of civilization. That’s why many attacks on Christianity have begun with attacks on the family unit. Ray keeps going with the theory that fits his idea of what the “virus” wants instead of going with what the people say. If we say it is because of XYZ, then his reply will be, “Yes. That’s what you say, but we all know it’s really about the virus.” Unfortunately, you could easily counter anyone’s arguments this way. I could just as easily say Ray’s book is because of an atheistic virus that seeks to eliminate all other viruses so it can thrive the most.

There is a footnote in the chapter referencing Margaret Mead’s Coming of Age in Samoa which is now known to be highly inaccurate. That Ray is not aware of this leads me to think he has only looked up the information that agrees with him. There is nothing about books like Song of Songs in the Bible in this chapter. You’ll find Leviticus’s prohibitions on homosexuality quoted, but not Proverbs 5:18-19.

Also, much is said about sexual scandals in churches, including the Catholic Church, but nothing is said about the behavior in public schools, which is actually more common. I’m not talking about students with fellow students. I’m talking about teachers with students. With the Catholic Church, there are also a lot of myths about that.

But contrary to what Ray says, I suspect I think more about sex than he does. No. I don’t mean the idea that every seven seconds a man thinks about sex. I don’t mean thinking about doing it or what it would be like to see a certain woman naked. I mean thinking about what it is and what it tells us about reality.

That would make sense though because on Ray’s view, sex is just a cosmic accident. No creator planned it ahead of time. In my view, sex is no accident. God intended it to be what it is and it is meant to point to something even greater than itself.

There is nothing in this chapter on when life begins, although abortion is talked about. There is nothing about the harmful effects of pornography. There is a lot of talk about eliminating guilt, but perhaps that guilt is deserved at times. Perhaps our culture does tend to, sadly even in the Christian church, treat people as ways to bring about our own pleasure and their bodies are a means to sex instead of seeing sex as a means to celebrate and love the whole person.

Maybe it’s really Ray who has a ‘sex-negative” view and it’s the Christians who have a much more sex-positive view.

In Christ,
Nick Peters
(And I affirm the virgin birth)

Ten

What’s going on today? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters.

Ten is tin. That might sound like a weird playing of the English language, but it’s actually an accurate statement. I looked it up not too long ago. A marriage anniversary for 50 years is the golden one and 25 is the silver. Ten is the, well, tin.

Today marks ten years with the love of my life. It’s been an interesting ten years. Those years have had good times and bad times. We’ve had romantic times and hard arguments. We’ve had love and hostilities at times. In other words, our marriage has been much like anyone else’s in so many ways.

Marriage changes you. You learn about love and sacrifice. You learn what it means to give and what it means to receive. You learn in many ways also what you are really like. Someone said years ago that when you marry, God holds a big mirror right up in front of you and says “This is what you’re really like!”

And in some ways, I have seen what I am like. When I am upset with Allie over something she has done to me or something else in her life, I am reminded before too long “And how are you any different?”

You learn a lot about beauty as well. For me, for several years, I have been a big fan of natural beauty. I still am. I never understood make-up. I never cared for it. Now I’m married to a woman who after marrying decides she wants to study cosmetology. What have I found? I have grown to appreciate what she does with make-up. Why? Because that is her and she is working on bringing out her beauty. I always stress that make-up can never make her beautiful. It just brings out the beauty that is already there.

I have also realized what it means to truly be captivated by a woman’s beauty. A few years ago we were in a Wal-Mart and Allie saw an inexpensive dress and wanted to try it on. I had no objections! I love a woman in a dress and I hadn’t seen Allie in one in years. I’m waiting outside the dressing room and when she comes out, my jaw drops. I can hardly believe that this is my wife.

She still stuns me. We recently got a romper for her and she’s stunning in it. She also recently got this shirt that has a nice lace pattern on the top of it and I just look at her so many times and wonder what on Earth I did to get such a beautiful woman in my life.

That can also bring us to intimate matters. Some guys have the idea that sex is better than intimacy. This is false. You can have sex conceivably with someone and have it just be a physical action and not intimate at all. I have come to see sex as a gateway to intimacy or a result of the intimacy we already have. I have learned to see what it means to respect and treasure a woman’s body. It is always a gift. Anytime I get with Allie is always brand new and I am always amazed by her.

Let’s also talk about our faith in this. Allie has recently been exploring Eastern Orthodoxy. At first, I was not a fan of the idea. Now, my attitude has softened. I’ve come to know her priest well and there is a great mutual respect between the two of us. One thing I like is that he was hesitant about receiving her into the church because he didn’t want to come between our covenant. She’s still not received, but I appreciated that. I consider her priest a friend. I disagree with the Orthodox community still in many ways, but I also see them as my people. I can go to the church and get along and enjoy communicating with the people. They can know I’m the token Protestant and that’s okay.

My wife’s spirituality is something I admire. Lately, she has been reading more of the Bible and I have heard her reading it out loud as she does. This is a new approach to me and I get something out of it. I admire her willingness to set aside this time.

Generally when we pray at night, I lead it, but I really love it when she prays out loud. I’m sure if she’s reading this she’s feeling embarrassed now, but her approach to God is just so real. My temptation is always to talk like a theologian and bring in my theology. She really approaches God like a child.

When God seems absent in her life, she really feels it. When things seem wrong and she’s angry with God, she’s really angry. I get jealous of that sometimes. In either case, she is taking her relationship with God super seriously and I really admire it.

Allie is also a great listener. One of our friends back in Knoxville once said to us together, “Nick. I love you man and you’re a great guy, but if I need an ear I’m going to talk to your wife first because she’s so much better at that.” She is. I don’t dispute that. I say that in our marriage, I’m the head and she’s the heart.” If you need an answer to your problem and want advice, come to me. If you want an ear, come to her.

This isn’t just with her friends. If someone hurts Allie, I’m usually ready to dispense with them and I’m tempted to plan out how my revenge will be. Allie isn’t like that. Recently, someone at our apartment complex hurt her greatly, but I know that if this person called and was in a crisis state, Allie would drop everything she was doing and rush over there and help.

By the way people, with that, if you have a prayer request also, present it to her before me. She will remember it better than I will and when we pray she will remind me of it. She will also take it much more seriously. Allie does have much more of a heart for the hurting than I do.

Many of you know about our cat, Shiro. The reason we have him is her. She had that great compassion on him and wanted to give him a home. So far we have also provided one home to a stray cat here by finding someone at my church who took him in. Allie has a great love for animals.

She’s also been getting into cooking. This is something I need to work on because I have a food phobia honestly, which can happen on the spectrum. Therefore, I don’t eat much of what she cooks, again, what I need to work on, but what I need is great. Allie makes the best pizza I know of hands-down. She makes breadsticks that give Olive Garden a run for her money. She’s recently got into fixing grilled cheese sandwiches again and now they have become a staple of my diet. I haven’t had it, but her mentor told her on her first attempt at making chicken alfredo that she had never had some that was as good as what Allie made.

Let’s return to that thing about make-up and talk about her heart there. What’s one of the goals she has with make-up? She wants to be able to go to the hospital to children who have burns or other conditions like that and be able to make them feel beautiful for a day. Honestly, I wouldn’t have thought about something like that. I suspect there are many people in the field of cosmetology who haven’t considered that. For Allie, it’s one of her very first considerations.

So today marks ten years with a woman who is still amazing me after all this time together. I anticipate she’s not done yet. Everything we have gone through has been worth it. Just yesterday I went to the mailbox and saw an anniversary card from my parents addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Nick Peters. It’s a reality. This woman shares my name.

And today, she has shared it for ten years.

Happy Anniversary, Princess! You are the most beautiful woman I know inside and out.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Are Men Monogamous?

Can we really stay with one woman? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

If you asked me how many women I have found attractive in my lifetime, I have no idea how I could answer. I think women are absolutely gorgeous. I am super thankful that God made them. If the only argument I had for the existence of God was female beauty, it would be enough. This is also from someone who did not grow up watching pornography.

While that number is countless, if you ask how many women I have had a sexual relationship with, that number is easy to count. One. My darling wife Allie is it. Two weeks from today will be ten years of marriage for us.

Yesterday while driving to a meeting, I heard a radio show that was local asking about if men are monogamous. Can they be? Is it in our DNA to want to have multiple women? One lady on this show said she grew up reading the Bible and throughout the Old Testament, the great heroes of the faith didn’t seem to be monogamous. Abraham, David, and Solomon had wives and concubines.

These are all important questions.

In the Old Testament, divorce was a practice that was allowed, but Jesus reminds us, it was because of the hardness of our hearts. The ideal was one man and one woman for life. Once those two come together, the union is complete and no other party is needed.

As for these relationships with concubines and multiple wives, that was also allowed, but whenever it happened, there was trouble. Abraham’s relationship with Hagar was because of a lack of faith on his part and that led to trouble in the family. Jacob’s family was extremely dysfunctional and his multiple wives led to favoritism. David was a horrible father and his kids had murder and treason and rape going on with them. Do I really need to tell what happened to Solomon?

When we get to New Testament times, this kind of behavior in Israel at least is hardly seen at all and nowhere can I think of described in the Gospels. When Paul writes his epistles, he assumes a husband will have one wife to lead the church. You don’t see polygamy really being talked about.

But is it in our DNA to be monogamous? I think that’s the wrong place to look. I understand it could be a figure of speech as well, but if we want to see what a man is meant to be, Jesus was the greatest example of what a man is meant to be. While He never married, He did always treat women with respect and honor.

Jesus was also tempted, which is no sin, but He did not give in ever. That means if Jesus had been married, He would have treated His wife as His alone and not gone after another woman. He would have treated His wife with honor physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually.

Part of the problem is that once we step outside of sex between a married man and woman as the norm, we open the door to everything else. Most people really do not think about sex today. Some of you might be astounded to hear that. Haven’t I watched TV? Well, yes. I have. Doesn’t change my mind.

Oh we fantasize about sex. We talk about sex. We daydream about sex. We just plain have sex. We just don’t think about it. We don’t think about what it’s for and how it’s to be used. We just see it as a really fun thing that we do together. The ultimate point in most TV shows is when the couple has sex together, as if there’s nothing higher.

Maybe there is something higher like years of committed monogamous marriage to one another.

You see, anyone can have sex. Anyone really. It’s not that big of an accomplishment. To be faithful to one person for several years though is an accomplishment.

A woman is not just there for a man to get to treat as a plaything and then move on. Sex is not meant to be the testing grounds to determine if you love one another or if you belong together. I even see many Christians today deciding to live together before marriage and having sex before marriage as if it were no big deal. It is a big deal.

Does this mean temptation is not a battle? Not a bit. I have to look away from women numerous times. My wife is an absolute knockout and more than enough for me, but the sinful desires in me are tempted to want to look elsewhere. In our society today, porn is an easy way to do that. You don’t even have to seduce a woman. Just a click away are several women you can look at.

Which is a great dehumanization of them. It is getting a woman that requires nothing of you. You don’t have to be a man to win her heart. She doesn’t know you and she doesn’t care about you. Also, you don’t know about her or care about her. All you are caring about is her body and you are training your brain to think that way bit by bit.

However, men can be monogamous. We can be faithful. We can rise above desires that we should not have and do what we know we ought to do. While I do have the desire for many different women, higher than that is the desire to honor God and be faithful to the wife that I have. If it is my highest desire to please God, I will be faithful to my spouse. (This is all assuming you do not have a spouse who is abusive to you. If so, that does not justify an extra-marital affair, but you can leave that spouse.)

This is also why I have the group “As Christ Loved The Church” on Facebook. To help men who are either married or on the path or just wanting to marry to learn how to be faithful husbands to their wives. It’s a real struggle.

I know I’ve emphasized the men here because the question was about men. Women need to practice this themselves. Women really control the sex market and every time a woman gives sex without marriage, she is really lowering what is required of her on the market to give herself and saying she does not require a lifetime commitment. The next woman will go even lower until before too long, sex on the first date becomes common. Is it any shock you have the app Tinder that says you can get together for just a hook-up?

Sex is sacred. Men and women are sacred. Marriage is sacred. We need to treat all of them like that.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Book Plunge: Jesus Is Better Than Porn

What do I think of Hugh Houston’s book published by Jesus is Best? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

From the moment a guy hits puberty, one of the thoughts that goes through his head is the wonder about what certain women look like underneath all those clothes. A guy can see the girl and think that there’s only a thin barrier keeping him from viewing paradise and that barrier is clothing. A guy desires to see that beauty.

This is not an evil desire in itself. Women were made beautiful and God knew what He was doing. As a married man, I am always happy whenever my wife trusts me with all of her beauty. There is nothing like it in all this world.

Well, there could be something out of this world that’s even better, and that’s Jesus. Hugh Houston thinks so and does so as a man who wrestled with pornography usage for decades. He started as a young boy and it continued even into his marriage.

One of the hardest moments was having to tell his wife the truth. I am not going to begin to understand what this is like for a woman. It is a form of cheating and it leaves the person thinking “Am I not enough for you?”

Houston then describes his life of escaping from porn and the lies that pornography told him. He describes being in recovery groups and what men and women go through. He also says that porn cannot deliver on its promises and does so with Scripture, reason, and other Christian writers.

There is great advice here on overcoming addiction and it would help someone with any addiction, not just porn. Houston writes in a personal style practically begging the reader to not get involved in the addiction. He also has several helpful resources to help a person on the path to escaping addiction.

He also does stress the pain that it causes the other person if you are married. This is important since there are even some pastors who have told couples having sexual problems to try watching pornography together. It might work some in the short-term, but in the long-term, it will do more harm.

As I have said, when I drive around the Atlanta area here, I hear many ads for men struggling with ED. I am convinced one of the main reasons for this is porn. Men have been so aroused by fake women over and over that they find it hard to be aroused by a real one right in front of them.

The book is also a short read and it would be great for people struggling with porn, or who have spouses who struggle, to read together. Each chapter ends with questions at the end for discussion. If you are struggling with porn or know someone who is, this is a great place to go to.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

On Separation

What about separation in marriage? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

After writing on divorce yesterday, an appreciative reader asked my thoughts on separation. Now as I said, I think on some level divorce is always an evil even when it should be done. It’s an evil that someone did something to break a promise before God and man and someone can often be an innocent victim of that.

Sometimes though, a couple might just need some time apart. Even healthy couples need some time apart for each one to focus on some of their own hobbies, interests, and development. I love having my Mrs. around, but there can be times when she’s away with a friend and I do some of the things I like to do that she doesn’t really care for.

I was asked to share the thoughts from Scripture on separation. I really don’t think that category existed in the ancient world. I could be wrong about that, but I haven’t seen anything on that. Also, Scripture tells us how to do marriage and the purpose of marriage, but it really doesn’t tell us about marital counseling.

So what are some guidelines I would do?

If this is done, I think the goal should be to try to save the marriage and not to end it. Christians are to focus on redemption. In that case then, let it be that you will spend time working on your own problems in the marriage, even if you’re just hypothetically 1% of the problem. It’s easy to focus on what your spouse needs to do, at least in your eyes, but you have no control over that. You do have control over yourself.

As a Christian, pray for them and for your marriage and to go back to the first point, ask that you would be shown what you’re doing wrong in the situation. We all have sinful tendencies in us that need to be improved. We all have areas where we are less than perfect people.

I’d advise you to stay faithful in a separation as well. Don’t be dating other people and definitely not having sex with other people. If you’re a Christian, this will reflect badly on you. If the marriage doesn’t work out sadly, there is time for that later.

There are times that separation can be needed. Definitely go with separation if there is abuse going on that puts someone in danger, be it you or children. It is imperative that the spouse get therapy and take steps to show that they are serious about recovery, such as a 12-step program in Celebrate Recovery.

Another example could be pornography. Since this is normally a problem for men, though women can have it too, this might be a case where a wife is justified in saying no to bedroom privileges. Again, I always think that is a drastic step, but a wife needs to show how hurtful pornography is to her.

Definitely any couple undergoing separation needs to undergo marriage counseling together. Many a pastor is trained to some degree in marriage counseling, though they could recommend a specialist as well. My wife is a catechumen in the Orthodox Church and her mentor has informed me that all priests in that church are trained in marriage counseling as well, which I highly admire. This is also why I think those who lead a church should strive for higher education.

Divorce is always a tragedy and while separation can be sad, hopefully, it can lead to healing. Our Christian culture needs to do a better job upholding the sacredness of sex and marriage today. If short-term suffering can lead to long-term joy, it could be the answer.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Divorce in the Sermon

What did Jesus say in the Sermon about divorce? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

Let’s just jump into the verses in question.

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this comes after talking about lust. That would mean Jesus is saying that it doesn’t matter if your eye catches someone more appealing. You have a covenant that you are already in and you are to honor that covenant.

Let’s state the matter seriously. Divorce is an evil. Period.

“But Nick! You don’t understand! My wife was cheating on me!” “You don’t get it! My husband was abusive!” “The children were in danger from my spouse!”

Yes. All of those can be true and in a number of cases, divorce can even be sadly advisable, but it is still an evil. Why? Because it’s tragic that a case where two people vowed to love and remain faithful to one another until death was shattered because someone decided to break the covenant.

This is not to say then that everyone who has divorced is guilty of an evil. My parents were both divorced before their current marriage because both of their spouses were unfaithful. It’s good today that they’re together, but it’s tragic that both of them married spouses who broke their covenant.

That’s also something important to stress today. Marriage is a covenant. It doesn’t depend on your feelings or emotions at the time. If it did, marriages would shatter constantly. (Maybe that is why they are so much as many people do just that.) Marriage is a promise. How you treat it says less about your spouse really and more about you.

Also, keep in mind that not all of the above scenarios necessitate a divorce. Suppose there is a husband who is cheating on his wife. Some marriages can bounce back and be strong even after an affair. It does require therapy and repentance, but it is doable.

If you have children in a marriage, they will be the ones who suffer the most from divorce. Not too long ago I read a book called Primal Loss. It’s from a Catholic perspective and all the participants are Catholic, but all of them were still deeply hurt by what happened with their parents and it doesn’t matter what age they’re at.

Marriage is a covenant that requires work. In Jesus’s day, one school of thought said a husband could divorce his wife for anything displeasing, such as hypothetically if she burnt his toast in the morning. Jesus ups the ante tremendously and says marriage is for life entirely. Paul ups the ante and says that even if a believer is married to an unbeliever, if they are not being in danger, they should stay with the marriage. They may convert their spouse after all.

Fortunately, Shaunti Feldhahn has done some great research showing the idea that divorce is as common among Christians as non-Christians is a great myth. However, it is still way too common. All of us need to do what we can to honor marriage. That includes singles as well, such as saying if you’re not marrying that you’re going to remain celibate.

The rest of us, remember we made a vow before God and man. Let’s keep it. God will hold us all accountable after all for how we treated our spouses.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

Lust and Adultery

What does it mean to lust? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

My wife’s priest talked once about going to a youth camp and having the young boys come up and say “I’m struggling with lust.” This was often spoken of in secret as if it would be big news that young Christian boys deal with lust. I suspect there would be far more concern if they were NOT dealing with lust.

So let’s look at the passage in question in Matthew 5.

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”

Let’s start off first with what lust is not. Lust is not noticing that a woman is beautiful, even if she’s not your wife. (Keep in mind, I am saying this for men, but women just reverse the claims and it fits for you too.) That’s just acknowledging reality. God made the human body to be beautiful and I think even women would agree that the female body in particular is uniquely beautiful.

Throughout Scripture, when a woman is praised, one of the main qualities praised about her is her beauty. No more beautiful women were found in the land than the daughters of Job. Esther was prized for her unique beauty and won the king’s favor. Abigail was said to be discerning and beautiful. The Song of Songs is quite explicit with the glorious features of the woman.

Lust is more in the how and why you are looking at the woman. A constantly stare can very easily become lust. If all you think about is just using the woman for your own pleasure, then you have a problem. I do not think you have a problem if you are, for example, engaged to a woman and you look at her and you dream of your upcoming wedding night when you can give all your love to her. A man will naturally wonder what he has to look forward to when he gets to take all the clothes off the woman he loves. Spoiler alert single men: You won’t be disappointed.

If you are engaging with pornography, you are definitely involved in lust. Pornography teaches you to use women and gives you false ideas of what women like and don’t like. Pornography is simply a lie. Also, it won’t spice up your marriage as some think. It might have some short-term benefits, but in the long-term, it will only hurt.

Every woman out there is someone’s daughter and needs to be treated with respect. She is not just a body. She is a person. Treat her like just a body and you miss out.

By the way women, if you want to change the way you’re often treated, then make sure you let every man know you’re worth waiting for. Women really control the sex market. Guys are the huge majority of the times the ones buying as it were.

You determine how much you’re worth before you give yourself entirely to a man. One date? A week? Three weeks? A month? Six months? A year? Engagement? Or are you worth a lifetime commitment paid upfront? There are many women who have given themselves to the man in their lives thinking that then he will love her only to find that a few days later he dumps her and moves on to his next conquest.

And guys, even after you marry it is good to always be pursuing your wife. Don’t just do it when you want something, which face it, is usually 24/7. Do it just for her. Stop and get random gifts just because.

Ultimately though, what makes lust similar to hate is the cost/benefit analysis. The danger with lust is that it means that all things being equal, if you got the chance and you thought the benefits outweighed the cost, you would have sex with someone you’re not married to. Many an affair starts with just a man and a woman on their lunch break and just talking together and then not too much later they’re meeting in a hotel room because “This person just truly understands me!” Very few spouses wake up one morning and say “I think I’ll screw up my marriage and have an affair!”

There is hardly any drive more powerful in people than the sex drive and it can totally overcome reason when left unchecked. Like all others though, it starts off small, with lust. Deal with the problem at the root before it becomes a deadly plant.

In Christ,
Nick Peters