In the book “Smart Sex”, Jennifer Morse gives a endnote where she shares a story that a girl wrote in to advice columnist Carolyn Hax. I’d give the web page here, but it doesn’t seem to work. For those interested, the endnote can be found on page 253. It was so stunning I read it to my roommate and have frequently discussed it with him as it shows the problem of what is called “casual sex.”
She starts talking about how her ex-boyfriend of three years and she still maintain contact. Now at that point, I don’t have a problem. If you can be on good terms with an ex, great. Sometimes though, it just doesn’t happen. However, it is what happens later that gets things interesting.
The girl writes on to say that the last few times they have ended up sleeping together and says “I’m totally fine with it.”
Stop right there.
Now what I’m thinking is that if I was coming from a more worldly perspective, I’d be saying this guy is getting a good deal. Chances are, the guy already has another girlfriend and if he’s willing to sleep with his ex, he’s probably sleeping with her. Thus, he gets to have at least two partners and then, he doesn’t even have to date this girl and he still gets all of her. (Well, physically at least.)
I hope this girl wakes up soon.
Ladies. Once a guy leaves you, that’s it. You do not have any kind of a romantic relationship. You may talk to him of course, you may hang out with him, but don’t do anything with him that should be done only with the significant other in your life, especially not sleeping with him which should only be done with your husband. (Yes. Don’t sleep with a boyfriend. Sleep with a husband.)
That this girl is totally fine with it terrifies me.
So what is this girl writing about? She’s saying that during the last visits, they had a couple of drinks and then went to bed. She says that now he’s suggesting that they can even avoid that part. In her words, he wants to go “straight to the goods.” Gah! It makes me want to scream! Doesn’t this girl see it?!
First off, this guy is just planning this out. He doesn’t care about this girl in that way at all, but he’s wanting to sleep with her still. Granted, a guy can lose a girl and still have dreams where he is with her, but this guy is getting his reality! In fact, they’re even planning it out. She’s letting it happen and the guy knows that he can do it. Ladies. Here’s a sad truth about many men. If they know they can take advantage of you, they will. Sadly men, the same goes for several ladies. If someone is taking advantage of you though, drop them.
That this girl even raises a question is sad. Geez. Do I spend my money on this girl and then get to sleep with her, or would it be better if I could just save my wallet for the other girls in my life and sleep with her anyway? Why oh why did not this girl kick this guy in the sweet spot immediately? (Normally, I don’t get as explicit, but stories like this really anger me.)
Now she goes on to say that she’s not expecting a lot, but he could at least get Ramen. Yes. That’s what she said. Ramen. I know about them. You can get Ramen for less than a dollar. Wow. Doesn’t that just scream romantic. Now I’m not saying the romance in a gift is conveyed in the price, but I am saying that you shouldn’t be necessarily cheap with the special ones in your life.
The girl asks if she should make it clear that the guy gets dessert later or not. Oh if only I was there. I’d scream at this girl that she is being taken advantage of. Of course, she says though that she’s all for casual sex, but you have to treat the person right don’t you? There’s the problem.
There is nothing casual about it. If there was, this letter would not need to be written to an advice columnist.
The world needs to drop the myth of “It’s just sex.” It seems when date rape takes place, it is far more substantial than if a mugging takes place. A lady can easily report a mugger no matter who it is and get on with her life. A rape on a date will change her forever and she can be ashamed to report it? Why? Because it’s not just sex. It’s about her and who she is as a woman. A mugging gets at her pocketbook. A rape gets at her.
That’s why it’s so devastating. That’s why sex changes everything. This isn’t about purely biological function. This is about something that gets at the hearts and lives of who we are entirely. To treat it as casual is to treat ourselves as casual. It is not a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder. It is a treasure to give to the one who has that right.
The sad thing is, this girl is not alone. There are probably several girls out there that are making the same mistake she is making. (At least, I hope by now she’s stopped making it.) There are several men out there that are using women and there are several women that are using men.
Let us drop the idea though that this is casual. To the women out here, I urge you instead to realize that you are a treasure. To the men, I urge you to recognize that you should make it your desire to dive into the ocean of one lady than wade in the shallow end of many.
People are worth far too much to treat cheaply.