The friend I mentioned a few days ago and I were talking about this topic recently. I had linked her to an MP3 of Lauren Winner speaking on sexuality. Lauren Winner is the author of “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.” This is a book I think everyone who wants to learn something about a Christian view of sexuality should read.
Lauren Winner in the MP3 and in the book cites the corniest story of all about a couple going out to a movie and the man goes home saying “Lord. I know the wedding is in two weeks and your grace is sufficient, but if you could just make these weeks fly, I would be really appreciative.” Most of us can understand that one and think it makes sense.
The lady, on the other hand, seeing as this couple had been to the movies, snuck home a popcorn kernel that she will keep in her diary as a treasured memento of this event. Winner says the authors of the story claim the girls want “non-sexual socialization.” Yep. You can picture a girl sitting at home one night waiting for her boyfriend to call saying “Wow. This guy is great for non-sexual socialization.” (And no, I’m not saying that sexual socialization means having sex.)
This kind of thinking though is an insult to men and women.
My own mother, for instance, I have been told was told when she got married that you just have to act like you enjoy it. This is definitely a shame. Women. God gave you a clitoris. The purpose being so that you could have pleasure in sex. Your bodies are designed I believe to bring men pleasure, but then they are designed so you can receive pleasure from men as well. The Bible affirms this numerous times whether highlighting the joys of marriage or the language used to describe Israel chasing off after other lovers.
What is the idea given? As Winner says, it’s that women don’t have libidos. Women are never told apparently that they might one day have their own sexual desire and might really want sex one day. However, this is far from the case. Naturally, as a guy, I can’t say I know from personal experience, but from talking to women who I often find to be just as interested as men are. (And in fact, some of them are more interested.)
When women are seen in this light, then they become objects. The denial of physical pleasure as a blessing for a woman is a damage to the woman as well. Is it wrong for a woman to have physical pleasure in sex? Not at all. She was made so that she would. I do believe of course that sex is for the purpose of reproduction and we know the woman carries the brunt of that, but to deny her physical pleasure is simply to make her just a machine that is supposed to breed babies.
Now let’s move on to the men.
What’s the message given to men? Men are simply bundles of hormones who think about sex 24/7. Now I’m not sure that’s accurate. I will say as a guy, I think about sex a lot, but I can’t say it’s all I think about or it’s all that is on my mind. There are times I could be playing a game or writing a blog or doing some reading in a book and sex just isn’t on my mind.
When it is though, what are we to do? Well men are supposed to take a lot of cold showers.
If we men were often in that position where when we had strong sexual desire, we had to take a cold shower, we’d never leave the shower.
Consider this also with the attitude the church gives on lust. You are not to think about sex until you are married. Sorry guys. You’d better be thinking about it before marriage. It is such a contrast that we give the impression that sex is dirty and that men better not think about it, but that is all they can seem to think about so what’s a guy to do in that situation? He often feels condemned if he does think about sex, and wonders if there’s something wrong with him if he doesn’t.
And also, men are not just bundles of hormones. I know my friend would speak of my great fascination and wonder with women, but she would also say that underneath that also, or rather in support of it, is a strong side that seeks to honor a lady and treasure that beauty. It is one that wants to come to that pleasurable moment and have the pleasure not just be mine, but hers as well. (Men. Here’s some advice. Pray that you can bring your wife as much pleasure as she brings you or will bring you.)
Why not admit the truth instead?
We both think about this. Men and women are thinking about it. They think about it a lot. They have strong desires and we simply need a fruit of the spirit, self-control. Men need the support of men and women that of women.
Sure, there are some differences, but if we are giving images that aren’t rooted in reality, we not only deny sexuality as it is, but we do a great harm to those who are young and growing up and are wrestling with these issues.