Marriage and Moving

So now that we have the big move done, what’s been learned since then? Let’s talk about it on Deeper Waters.

I’ve been told that it’s awfully popular whenever I write about marriage and now that we’re moved into a new house, there have come some changes in how we approach matters so let’s talk about it.

To begin with, we’re living next to my folks, seeing as it is my grandmother’s old house after all. We immediately decided that we would establish some boundaries. Naturally, my folks have some authority around our household, but they also know that the final decision comes down to myself. If I think they are incorrect with something that they are saying about my wife, I will say so. It may not be immediately. I might have to think about their perspective for awhile before I finally decide.

Finances are still tough for us. I’m still looking for another job and looking to raise up funds through Ratio Christi, but being as I’m very much Aspie, that aspect of speaking is difficult. Talking to someone about the evidence that Jesus rose from the dead and that God exists? Sure. Any time. Talking to someone about fundraising? Hard as can be.

We do have a whole lot more room now which means more places to walk around. My wife is turning our attic into her art studio, which is just fine with me since the stairs to the attic have always frightened me anyway and she’d be more comfortable up there. Meanwhile, since the house has two bedrooms and we only need one, the other one is for the time being my office, so as I write this, I am writing it in my office.

The office is quite nice to have. My wife hasn’t really liked the idea of being surrounded by books, but in our old apartment, I had to keep them all in the bedroom and she was surrounded. Now, my books have their own place, although she is still hopeful that someday I’ll get a Kindle. I wouldn’t mind it either, but I’ve heard the Nook allows for library check-outs, which might be better for me.

While we thought there’d be something awkward about living in my grandmother’s old house, so far there hasn’t been. Every now and then I do have a memory of things in this house with her, but by and large, we’ve established it as our house and I do know the history more of this house now and that several members of my family have lived here. My wife and I are just the latest in a long line of people in the family to take up residence and we hope we honor those who came before us and whoever will follow after us.

Sleeping is still difficult at times. Is it because we’re in my grandmother’s old house? No. It’s actually a quite different reason. For some reason, we don’t have a door to the bedroom and so every morning, our cat decides to let us know that he wants breakfast and comes in, usually around 6:30 whining for us to feed him. For me, once I get up around then, I can’t go back to sleep, but I’ve managed to adjust. I usually spend some time on the PSP or DS last thing before bed which actually helps calm me down. Or else it’s just that due to my being an Aspie, I like the familiarity and that’s what it takes for me.

My wife also has her dream kitchen here, which is a 50’s style diner. There’s several Coca-Cola products. I’m especially thankful in it for the new stove some generous friends of the family got us. Our stove automatically will heat to the temperature for us, tell us when it’s ready, and then has it’s own timer. I’m quite sure it’d shut itself off as well. Believe it or not for some of you, I can do some of the cooking around the house.

We also now live in the country. My wife hopes to be gardening more towards the summer. We can also go walking easily and there are no fast-food restaurants and such around so we more have to make sure that what we have lasts. The library, post office, and a place to get hair cut are all within walking distance.

I happen to love walking. I carry a walking stick with me every time not only for that awesome adventuring feel, but just for safety, especially since some people who live in our street own dogs and if I ever met a really vicious one, I want to be ready. I also walk reading a book at the same time and can get in several pages on a brief walk.

So living in a house really changes our approach. It has also come with lessons on marriage. Having my parents around means that we regularly interact with another married couple. My aunt and uncle live next door as well, and they even used to live in this house, and they are much older in age and so we hope to do our part to help take care of them. They have been married longer than my own folks have been around.

Looking for churches has been difficult. We want to find a church that is more contemporary in style, but I also do like to hear the old hymns some. We also want to make sure that this is a church that realizes the importance of the apologetics ministry and sadly, many don’t. I am regularly disappointed by the churches and realize how far we have to go in working on them.

There is also the division of duties. My wife loves the kitchen so that’s mainly her responsibility. Still, I try to do my part. When we make up the bed, that is a task for both of us to do together. I maintain my own office and as for the cat, I handle his litter box. Also, like all men out there, I have the tasks of taking out the trash and handling those vicious intruders that sometimes come in known as “bugs.”

In all the change, we are still husband and wife and that means learning to love the right way. How is it that a man is loved by Christ? He is to love his wife the same way. In our society, too many people often think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and thus don’t take care of their own marriage.

Little tip guys, and also for you women who are abandoning marriage. If the grass is not green for some reason, have you ever considered that maybe you need to be a better gardener? In fact, this is what Ephesians tells us to do. We are to present our brides before Christ and maybe we’re not taking that position as seriously as we ought sometimes. The wife and I often talk about how we can improve things since we can regularly hear the statistics even in churches. I think part of the problem is we don’t have the foundation of marriage. We just have the ethics but not a basis and the ethics are floating in the air.

The basis for the faithfulness is the covenant system in the NT. For those who hold to eternal security, this should have any more weight seeing as you believe Christ is faithful even when you are not. Whenever one has a disagreement with the spouse, it is wise to look at yourself and say “How am I treating Christ?” It can be quite amazing to find out you’re not much better.

We also learn that we need to have some of our own time. There are times I just want to be in my office working on my material alone. There are times that she wants to be on her laptop. There are times I go walking and it’s just me and I’m find with that. We do have special together times such as visiting my family or watching something on the TV. I’ve been surprised to find out that she quite likes the Waltons, a series I’d never seen before.

For together times, for many of my friends, something needs to be said about how sex fits into all of this. For the men, it’s not a secret that we usually have strong libidos. Consider the joke that has been made about the Muslim version of Heaven. When a man gets there and finds 70 women waiting on him, that’s heaven. If a woman got there and saw 70 men wanting her, that’d be hell.

I do have a distress I often see amongst young men who are not married and are asking me now “What’s the big deal about waiting till marriage?” Sometimes, these are Christian men and it’s very sad that I have to ask now when counseling some men who are interested in women “Are you planning on waiting until marriage?”

Most couples don’t realize the explosive force that they’re unlocking when it happens and it is something that will forever change your relationship. You will never look at each other the same way again and you will forever have to watch the way that you look at the opposite sex.

Christians. Be on guard with how you handle this area prior. Watch the attitude you have towards the opposite sex. For we men for instance, we can constantly have that rolodex of women we knew before and we have to do what we can to banish that from our minds. My wife often thinks I’m being paranoid, but I make it a point to not look at other women because I don’t want my mind to wander. This is especially true when watching TV or a movie as my wife will often have to tell me when I can look again.

Now I have often said preachers preach too much on the negatives and not on the positives. Let’s get some positives. Enjoy this aspect of marriage very very much. I often look forward to my friends getting married so they can get to experience the great gift of marriage. It is a great gift and remember that God made it to be enjoyed.

We Christians can sometimes be so prudish at times on sexuality that we make it a difficult for a couple to switch positions once they’re married. Before marriage, we are rightfully told to avoid sex. After marriage, we are rightfully told to enjoy it. The problem is we’re not given a reason why to avoid and then not given a reason why to enjoy.

The reason you avoid is that you are not yet in a covenant and in a position of total trust. If you think you are in that position, then at least be willing to go get married immediately. If that seems like a big step to you, then you are definitely not in the position to be having sex. You are wanting the pleasures of covenant without the commitment of covenant.

Why enjoy it? Because you are in that covenant. There’s no reason not to. God made the system and He made it for you to enjoy it. Why is it enjoyable? It’s because God designed it that way. The union that is that of husband and wife is meant to be an image of the union between God and man one day. If the shadow is God’s incredible gift, we can’t help but wonder how awesome the reality will be.

But for those who are single, do not despise your virginity. Instead, enjoy it as a badge of honor that you are being faithful for your special person and one day, if you get married, the other person will be very grateful and you can truly say that you two have only ever known each other.

Once again, marriage is a gift and where we live now is also a gift. There is much more to learn I am sure, but I hope what I have said has been helpful to those out there.

In Christ,
Nick Peters