What’s the daily life like after divorce? Let’s plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.
How do you go about every day after a divorce? For me, it has been a difficult process. For one thing, i don’t really like where I am at right now. It’s nothing against my parents, but what man who is 41 wants to be living with his parents?
There are times they tell me how much they like having me here. I ask them to please stop. It makes it much harder on me. I know they mean well, but my therapist and another good friend have said that it would be best for my own well-being to be out on my own. I aim for this every day.
On the other hand, my diet is being allowed to be more healthy now so my weight is closer to a healthier one I suppose in the odd way since I have actually gained to about 135. When I was with her, I would have to sacrifice my own desires often because I wanted her to be at a healthy weight. My mother remembers a time we visited together and she fixed a dessert I really like and I turned it down because I knew if I had some, that my ex-wife would have some and that wouldn’t be good for her.
When I get my own place also, I want to begin a workout regimen as well. If an apartment complex is where I live, many of them have a gym room so no problem. If a townhouse or a condo, then I can join a gym. It couldn’t help me in my quest for remarriage to work on my appearance anyway.
Work is work. I am planning on going to Colorado Christian University online to get my Master’s and eventually a PhD, but until then, I have to be doing something. If I am given a task that I find much more conducive to me, such as handling the needs of customers with money, I can function much better. Give me something that makes me more social or leaves me bored and, well, I brood, and that’s not good. I try to tell myself this is just a stepping stone. I will either be victorious or be defeated.
Besides that, I look at the lives of others around me who are my age and want what they have and wonder if it will happen. It can be really hard when I see couples come in together who I can tell are living as husband and wife, but they haven’t got married. I wonder why. I played by the rules after all.
This is not to accuse God, but it is to say like Jeremiah, sometimes I have my complaints. You find these in the Psalms as well. We all have them at times. Paul spoke about His thorn in the flesh and it’s clear Jesus would have preferred to bypass the cross somehow if it were possible.
Physical desires are also something I have to manage. I would be lying if I said I have never been tempted since being here to go the route of pornography. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have resisted. Sometimes, I just have to put away the computer and do nothing for a time. The intense desire then passes and I wonder what it was all about. It has been awhile since that happened, but in a way, I wrestle with it daily.
I also have my cat Shiro to think about. I am sure he is better off with me, but I do wish I could give him an apartment, townhouse, or condo that he could run around in. My folks have a cat already so he is just stuck in my room since the two of them don’t get along.
Church life is good. I have a pastor who is academic like I am, even preaching a sermon last Sunday on the destruction of the Canaanites as we are going through Deuteronomy and got to chapter 7. I have a supportive DivorceCare group and I am super thankful for my friends.
For my hobbies, I am thankful I have Final Fantasy XIV to do with friends. It means there is always something new. I have been blessed with an abundance of games so I always have a challenge available. I try to read and I still do that, but sometimes, it seems hard. It’s easy to wonder why I am doing what I’m doing. Maybe if I had another debate or speaking engagement coming up as those give me something to aim for.
I’m still working on books. Not just reading them, but writing them. That’s one benefit of a laptop. I can take it anywhere and write. I hope to get in some writing when I go to ETS as well.
I am still looking for some adventure everyday. I have never really wanted to live an ordinary life. I have many people speak well and say that God has a plan for me and my suffering won’t go to waste. Somewhere I know that, but while you’re in it, it’s hard to see. You do wonder what the future holds. Will I be independent again? Will I get the education I want? Will I find love again? Where do I go from here?
I do not know, but in reality, when have I ever known. Unless you are a prophet, when have any of us ever known? Ours as Christians is still but to serve and that I still try to do. It’s really hard sometimes, especially when you can feel alone, but it’s the right thing to do.
And for any wondering, in all of this, I still want the best for her. I still want her holiness, but I have no control over that. That is all about what she decides to do with her life. I have to decide for myself and for no one else.
Thank you for being with me on this journey, fellow travelers.
(And I affirm the virgin birth)